"I can't find my car keys in the morning.
Trying to get out of my house is a nightmare.
Where's my wallet?
Where are my keys?
I have to go find a missing person."
Attributed to Anthony LaPaglia,
the actor who played Jack Malone on "Without a Trace"
The simple black wallet is Nicole's. The weird wallet is my new one. I've been using Nicole's wallet since she died. The weird wallet was on sale and it looks more like "me".
Without a thought, I bought it. It was a bargain. 80% off woohoo.
Alex is driving. I'm moving stuff from Nicole's black wallet to the new one. Things are going well until I get to the bowels of Nicole's wallet.
There's Nicole's driver's license. There's her medical insurance card. Expired, of course. She was uninsured when she died. Her auto insurance information. I forgot I left it in the black wallet, on purpose. It was her wallet. I didn't want to remove it at the time so I didn't. I simply moved it to a "undisclosed location" inside her wallet. In other words, a place I wouldn't go.
But now I don't want my new wallet anymore.
Alex takes a look at me and sees I'm sobbing while he's driving. (he's used to it by now) HA. It's our routine, this sobbing/consolation thing. He doesn't have to ask what is wrong, he knows. He tells me he knows I'll put Nicole's wallet in a safe place.
I'm supposed to "move on" and I don't want to. Moving on to me means letting go of something I don't want to let go, not now, not ever. Nicole's DNA is on that black wallet. For whatever reason she loved that particular wallet. It's a poignant reminder of her realness to me.
Winnie the Pooh said:
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
I still have my Winnie the Pooh from my childhood. Talk about keeping stuff. It's in storage. It was dearly beloved. Now I want to beat the living **** out of it. How dare Pooh speak of something he knows nothing of?
Grief emotions parallel bungee jumping - not that I've tried to bungee jump. Up, down, up, down, sometimes...SNAP! Did you see the video in which the lady's cord broke and whoops... she fell into the river with the crocodiles and survived? Some of us don't live through such traumas. I plan to, however.
Being chomped on by crocodiles (metaphorically speaking) is not the way I want to go.
A mere wallet change disrupted my equilibrium for a few days....forcing me to ask myself a few questions:
Was it worth the meltdown? This wallet purchase? (I didn't anticipate it) Did I move on? Did I learn anything? Was it "good for me"? Frak it. I like my emotions to be like the Kansas prairie, not the Colorado mountains. Level.
Maybe the experts would say "it was a good experience, cathartic, time to move on" ("insert your choice of B.S. words of expert advice here") but I'd turn it around on them and ask... "Did YOU lose a child?" and if the answer was "No, I did not" then I'd tell them to sit down and learn from me and those who have. =p
Said politely....btw, but wait till I get my hands on Pooh. He's done for.
Back to my wallet problem.
I've been upset I bought a wallet. I'm just now getting over it. I didn't know it would set off a cascade of emotions. Crying is drying, (per the eye doc) and all those stupid bottles of lubricants to soothe eyes... it's like building a dam while there's a hurricane going on. You try eye drops next time you are having a major meltdown because your neighbor called you bad names or you stubbed your toe. Of course you have to be a crier. I wasn't - I guess I am now.
It made me very unsettled so I put Nicole's wallet back in my purse. I am not doing the "moving on" thing. Nicole is my missing person. I know she's dead but some days I can't ... go there. Those days, it is confusing as well as comforting to see her wallet in my purse.
Every woman knows there really isn't room for two wallets in one purse. I have my answer. I'll carry two wallets. Mine and Nicole's. We'll share one purse.
Posts
15 comments:
Keeping her wallet in your purse seems fine to me...I do not have a wallet from childhood so you having one is neat memorabilia to me
That sounds like a perfectly fine solution.
Keeping her wallet seems perfectly fine to me as well. And even if it didn't, it is your grief. Yours to deal with as and when you can. I don't think it ever leaves you - you just have to build a new life which incorporates it. Which as far as I can see will involves meltdowns. Some expected - anniversary type ones, others that just appear.
Sending caring balm through the ether to you.
YOU and others that have lost a child are the Experts. Its sort of like taking parenting advice from someone who's never been a parent - I almost slapped a close friend once because of she didn't understand why I was still having problems after SHE (no kids) told me how to mother Keven!!!! HA!
Anyhow, the wallet solution sounds good to me too. Winnie means well, he just doesn't quite get it.
At first I thought the black one was yours. Tough day to go through. Carry it always or frame it somehow to always see. Have a better day. mary
I so totally agree with your thoughts and keeping your daughter and never letting go. it is so hard to move forward and let go at the same time. Sorry that we share the common bond of losing a child. No mother should ever bury a child...NEVER
I so agree with your post. Sorry that we share a common bond of losing a child. No mother should ever bury a child...NEVER...
You know Winnie really REALLY didn't mean it... he was simply doing what he thought was best and trying to be comforting...
Me..? I carry around momento from both my Mom's and darling brother's memorial... I really should put them away for safe keeping but if I did that, when would I ever have them when I needed them..?
I have been wearing my mother's winter coat and her jewelery off and on since she died. I do not tell people as they might feel strange about it but it gives me comfort. If it tortured me I would stop. I can not look at pictures yet. That tortures me. It gives me comfort to think that she is still keeping me warm or making me look better.
My advice is that if it is a comfort keep it going. If it is a torture then let it go.
Be kind to yourself and keep looking for ways to comfort yourself.
Love,
Anna
Sounds like a solution to me. You'll know when you're ready to take that step if and when the time comes.
I wear my Mom's black wool sweater. It's lightweight, but really warm She said it was wool, but it doesn't make me itch, so I don't know - the labels are all faded. The sleeves are way too long on me, so it's an "at home" sweater. But I think of her when I wear it.
I wish I had her wallet, and a few more of her personal things. But I always thought I could go to her house and get them anytime. Then my brother sold the house without telling anyone, and , well, it's all gone now. Darn, why did I bring that up? Now I have to shake off a lot of anger. ::deep breaths::
I knew the purple wallet was yours. :-)
If you are keep two wallets forever, I don't see any harm in that. I also wouldn't like to see you try to force yourself to 'move on' early, or 'let go'. No need, two wallets is not harming anyone. And forcing yourself to go too fast isn't going to help you either. Honestly if you you never go certain places (forcing yourself to put her wallet away) in this lifetime maybe its ok.
Well I will answer all of you at once - thanks for understanding the wallet thing. =) It's actually not taking up as much room as I thought it would. I wear several of her sweaters and all of her jewelry.
Santa Mark, I don't REALLY hate Winnie the Pooh. It's my weird sense of humor. Sometimes it's hard to figure out on a blog... =)
I have my dad's wallet and my mother's also. They bring back memories as their social security cards and old licenses are in the wallets. My mother's was for an ID as she was old when she died and hadn't drive for years. Memories. I'm glad that you are holding onto to that part of Nicole and carrying it with you.
I was also thinking that you can carry both wallets too. I never like it when people tell you that you'll get over a loss and just move on. It's like them telling you to "get over it" but worded nicely. I still carry the red envelope with the single dollar bill in it that my grandfather gave me the day before he died. It's been 11 years and I still carry it even when I change my wallet.
Post a Comment