...no matter what's happening. In some form or fashion, even though she's dead. I can't say "she is gone". That's too polished of a word. It makes it more tolerable for readers but it is not my reality. My reality is, my daughter is dead. Tomorrow will be two years and seven months.
I am very sad today. I want to know the answer to the question, where is she? I want absolutes. I want to see that she is okay. That she is safe, where she is. That she is not just a box of ashes sitting in her own jewelry box where she stored all her greeting cards and diary. I remember seeing it on her shelf in her apartment when I visited her. I moved it a couple of times at her request. I asked her once where she got it.
I can't remember her answer.
Now she is inside the box I moved around her apartment as well as one other very small turtle urn. Ashes have a way of becoming a bit scattered I should say. I have to keep track.
It doesn't matter how big or small the room, Nicole's absence is always present. I miss her. I have so much to talk to her about, I want to do it now and not later.
I need to know where my child is.
Yesterday we went for a walk. A little girl skipping besides her mother, in the very same area Nicole and I walked when she was the same age. It upset me. And it dried out my eyes of course. A losing battle I am having with my eyes I guess. I squirt, blink, wet up a bit (a tear or two) squirt some more, blink, wet up again...frak.
Not a good start for a Monday.
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7 comments:
I wish I knew what I could say that would have meaning or, at least, be helpful. But I know where you come from and I know nothing anyone says ever makes a real difference.
HUGS, Darlin'. Just HUGS.
The only absolutes I know is that she will always be safe in your heart. No matter where she is, your blanket of love surrounds her. In the same way my Mothers love surrounds me.
I am with Mary here. Your baby is in your heart, in your son's heart and in the hearts of everyone else that she touched in her too short time with you.
Which doesn't ease your pain. I am so sorry and wish I could find the words, or a way to help you heal.
well, you already know
that's not really her
in those ashes
I have my Dad's ashes
and I'll probably
be cremated, too
our soul is our Father's
even if a person
doesn't claim to
be a Christian
we all meet our Father
when we leave this world
you'll recognize each other
when you meet, again
I hope this brings you
some comfort
some day...
I am so sorry....Mary said it right. She will be in your heart always
I think if we don't feel loss we do not learn what to watch out for, but oh what a cost. I am reminded of not feeling happy the whole three years my sister LaRae was dying of cancer. I would wake up and think oh no, I can't be happy, this reality is too sad. Eventually she made herself known to me again but it took years. Years for her presence to fill a room so that I knew it was her, different from other spirits who visited. I could recognize her essence. And that did not happen often as she was sure to be spending her time elsewhere with her daughters and grandchildren when she visited. I have seen raw and terrible grief like yours before nearly always connected to the loss of a child for a parent. That is somehow the most affecting loss of all. I was just reading in "Eleanor and Franklin" about the death of her younger brother from cirrhosis in his fifties who went into a steady decline after his son was killed in a plane crash only in his twenties. I spoke often to a friend as she watched her oldest son sink into alcoholism and die at the age of 46, a promising brilliant son who was good at many things, her first born. In Utah three young fathers riding together on one's company plane crashed and it killed all three. What devastation that caused with all the kids that were affected. It was very hard even for the community to get through that.
You have to respect such grief. You know it is real and must run its course before there can be any relief, through each teardrop, each shaft of pain day after day. I think such grief is often unimaginable to us until we experience it or see it experienced by others. So the death of Nicole affects us all who know you. Who respect the deep feelings and love that inspires such grief.
I think that she is still around as energy. Still there in some way. And she lives on in your memories too.
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