Gini

Gini is driving me crazy. It's as if a switch went off on her and suddenly she wants my undivided attention. Her constant demands to "play fetch" are driving me crazy. It is her attempt to keep my mind off things I suppose.

I know she is mourning with me. She can tell I am depressed. I do not want to deal with demands requiring any thinking on my part.

Every minute she brings me her toy. Every minute she wants me to throw it. NO. I have to figure out where NOT TO THROW IT.

Forget about it, girl.

Wal-Mart doesn't sell solace

Mom and I took a friend to Wal-Mart and of course I was whining all the way there and back. One thing I hate to do is shop. Women might find that decidedly odd but it's true. I hate, hate, hate shopping. I shop like a man. If I need shoes, I head straight for the shoe department and load up. Peep toes r' us! Then home I go. After all that is what I went to the store for, right?

No, they want to browse. I do not get the concept of looking for things you might need to buy. I'm acting like a Texas Cowgirl texting everyone "get to the front- and NOW!" because everyone in Colorado Springs was at the same Wal-Mart I was in and the walls were closing on me. I wanted out...NOW. Mom bought me a politically incorrect t-shirt- one of the "Snow White and the Seven Drawfs" t-shirts saying I am Grumpy. Some seek solace in shopping. I seek solace elsewhere. Shopping does not bring me solace. I do not know where solace is found, but it is not at Wal-Mart.

I miss my daughter so much I cannot stand it.

Mom reminded me of a song *I* used to listen to as a teenager. Yes...I never did share this one with my daughter. I forgot about it but my mother remembered and reminded me of our shared memories.

Yeah- "Hang on, Sloopy, Hang on"

To plow or not to plow, that is the question....and it's a year later

They have the most remarkable fireworks at the Air Force Academy every year. I want to go again this year. However to get to the disabled parking you have to drive through people (as in...mounds of people) that are ignoring the fact there is a road in place. Uh...no. Not me! *bleep* I know I will be one of those to mow down an entire platoon of cadets. I recall firmly planting my flag in the field last year and thinking "things will be better this year".

Boy was I ever wrong. Things got much, much worse.

I lost my daughter which is the worst thing that can ever happen. Losing a spouse that "went bad" is like losing a pair of smelly shoes. A pending foreclosure brought on by smelly shoes, nah...nothing to it. You can survive that. MS? Nope. No problem at all. Losing a child? It stops your life and it takes very special people to pull you back from the brink. I still don't know how I will get through that.

Do I have a spot or do I not? That was the question...

Today was one of those days when nothing was going right. First things first. I opened the cabinets and everything fell out. Did I say everything? I mean...EVERYTHING. It was quite noisy too. Dog food, cat food, laundry basket, trash bags, you name it...CRASH!

Then did I or did I not take my shot??? I knew I had taken one out of the fridge but I could not remember if I had injected it. So I started on a spot hunt. I spy for robin eggs. Oy vey.

I see spots but were they from today's injection or yesterdays? Given that I had already gone to an every other day schedule and was loathe to miss any more injections I did not want to skimp a day again. I simply could not remember. I decided that the evidence was overwhelming- I had not injected myself with a $125.00 injection so I got another one out of the fridge again but I really did not want to take two in a day if I had indeed taken one...overdosing on Copaxone doesn't sound any better than underdosing.

A side note: What on earth is wrong with Copaxone this month? They sting and burn a LOT... I don't know if they've changed the formula or if I've changed MY FORM but the welts and bruises are certainly proving interesting.

My belly looks like a Mars Bar.

I went ahead and poked- and it's been an hour and would you know it....the damn thing is still burning like Comet poured on an open wound. What is this about? (I think I'm overdoing it on the belly area....)

I did find I did not give myself an injection after all. I lost it under the chair this morning. Along with the rest of the marbles that make up the moi that is me.

Some "IF" answers by my daughter...

If you could sing any one song beautifully and perfectly, which one would you pick?

Amazing Grace

If you could spend one year looking for one thing in the world, what would you search for?

end of the rainbow

If you were given a yacht today, what would you name it?

Happy Hippy

If you could give a single piece of advice to the automobile industry, what would you tell them?

Your kids drive in these cars, depend on them- make them feel safe in what you make.

That sums up what I want to say about her today.

At Seventeen, I learned the truth...

Yup, a musical commentary by a deafie MS'er again...

Lyrics for the deaf:

by Janis Ian
"At Seventeen"

I leaned the truth at seventeen that love
was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles
who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew,
the Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful.
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces,
lacking in the social graces,
Desperately remained at home,
inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, "Come dance with me,"
and murmured vague obscenities.
It isn't all it seems at seventeen.
A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs
whose name I never could pronounce
Said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve;
they only get what they deserve.
The rich relation hometown queen
marries into what she needs.
A guarantee of company and haven for the elderly."
Remember those who win the game
lose the love they sought to gain.
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity.
Their small-town eyes will gape at you in dull surprise
when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen.
To those of us who know the pain of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called when
choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away;
the world was much younger than today
And dreams were all they gave away for free
to ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game and when we dare
to cheat ourselves at solitaire.
Inventing lovers on the phone,
repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, "Come dance with me,"
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly duckling girls like me at seventeen.

I can't get my mind off music. My daughter and I shared a love for certain songs and I am quickly filling up my youtube account with music I remember she and I used to listen to with wild abandon. I am noticing a common theme to the songs we used to listen to. I do not like these songs anymore except for "old times sake". They still bring a smile to my face for that reason and that is where my pleasure comes from. I am more...into uplifting music, more upbeat, and at times, more COLDPLAY and stuff it up your yahoo kind of stuff .... like PINK , HA! but Simon & Garfunkel and other normal songs still sing to me so all is not lost in the planetary orbits that circle about my brain. (should I mention that to my Neuro?) Nah- it's time to call 911, a.k.a my BF with MS for an emergency lunch. I shall do that.

Hope the Thunderbird is fired up.
Hope she's ready for that cliff.
Hope she can drive stick shift.

Or we'll go in her hubby's Porche. At least a claim can be filed... :=P

Rev it up, baby

My daughter and I talked a LOT about kissing. We both were really *funny* about kissing. We knew what good kissing entailed. Neither of us (well she more than I) had kissed many but we knew what we liked. Too much information? Well, it's something we talked about. I don't know if you mothers with daughters ever talked about stuff like that but WE DID. And oh we did...and did..and did! And we loved this song as a result: Rev it up, baby!

The last time we visit in Texas (in May) when I think about it....we did not have our *girlie-girlie* chat like we normally do. Even if neither of us were dating we still giggle like schoolgirls over what "we like". This time we did not. I wonder...why.




This reminds me of another funny memory involving BOTH of my kids. They brought home a video (this was before DVD's, oh-kay?) and I casually said "Oh what are you guys watching tonight?" PANIC. Absolute PANIC. It was The People vs Larry Flynt, just out on vhs so I guess around '96 or so. Dunno. Anyway I said ohhh goodie! *ahem*

"Mom- we won't feel comfortable with YOU in the room."

You could hear a pin drop. I said for "Pete's sake kids, I've had sex more than twice so get over yourselves, we're watching this movie together and that's that." I plopped myslf down on the floor with pillows n' stuff and they very grudgingly sat on the sofa and watched the show. I recalled giving it a thumbs up.

I will miss those uncomfortable times with the kids too. I loved watching both of them thinking ewwww....their mom...dating. Ewwwww. Now only one gets to say it. If he does. Ya know? It was their thing.

Sleep: Real or Fake, it's appreciated...

Last night I slept again. That makes two nights in a row. I found in my stash of *drugs* an old bottle of sleeping pills.

Two nights in a row I slept. It was much appreciated. I see there are no refills. Not a problem, I say...I'm taking a friend to the same doctor and while I'm there I will get that SCRIPT refilled.

Real or fake, I must...sleep or I will fall apart. The choice seems obvious to me and I'm sure it will be to the doctor. Sleep is a precious commodity.

Turtle Talk: So you will understand

This weekend was a maddening array of emotions. One, I could not sleep except in bits and pieces. Two, I feel maddeningly empty and full at the same time. Empty without my daughter and full of hope at the same time. Both conflict, or do they not? People around me are acting strange- or is it me that is acting strange?

I am a very practical person. I recall driving my mother crazy because I was so organized. (by the way...that *trait* is long gone, I lost it on the road to nowhere) Now I can't keep track of am/pm on the clock!

I don't believe in "odd events" or coincidences. Nor am I a "New Age" type of religious person. I am me. My daughter was very spiritual, and believed in the wisdom of turtles. The more I read in her journals the more I learn about TURTLES. She drew the turtle below so it is copyrighted by Nicole Johnson as of 1992. That means "HANDS OFF". 'K? But her writings and knowledge draw me to her amazing wisdom about life, and they come from turtles. I have learned so much. How could she have kept this to herself? She did not WRITE Turtle Talk..but she kept the knowledge to herself. That's what I'm saying.

Turtle Talk:
So you will understand

This life, this time,this existence,
belongs to you,
given by the creator and sustained by the mother,
you are a miracle of creation.
You are unique and separate upon this earth,
within this existence only you
will determine who and what you will become.

You are your own creator or destroyer,
your own lover or hater,
your own friend or enemy.
There are no words or actions that I can speak or do
that will change your path.

Only you will choose to feel
happiness or pain, trust or distrust,
empathy or apathy.
Only you will choose to help or to hinder.
The experiences of your choices bring lessons,
understanding and growth,
defining who you are and what you will become.

Your life should not be governed
by the views of society or the laws of man
but by your own spiritual truths and beliefs.
There is no time when we do not know what is right and what is wrong,
spirit always speaks first,
but ego always speaks loudest.
Learn to listen with patience and acknowledge what spirit has to say.

Life does not exist because of you, yet,
because of life you exist,
this is the greatest gift of creation, that we become two from one,
first spirit, second physical.

Only in the physical, can we experience life,
death and emotion
for spirit is eternal and life and death have no meaning.

Life is always as it should be,
your choice determines the direction that you will go
and the lesson you will learn.

Do not judge another for their walk .
Right or wrong, good or bad it is their lesson to learn.
Likewise allow no man to judge you,
there is no authority greater than
the creator who has given you this life,
and who you shall meet when this walk is done.

Our children are the key to our past as well as our future,
through us they learn where they come from
and their unending connection to all things.

Teach through the oral traditions as in the old ways,
each of us has many stories that we can tell,
those passed from generation to generation,
and those which we ourselves have gained through personal experience.

Teach them through example,
with love and devotion to that which
we hope to preserve for future generations.
For it is to these children,
born in this great time of change,
that knowledge and wisdom of the old ways must be preserved.
We must not let the old paths be washed away.

If you wish to learn,
then seek out the elders and the children, sit with them,
listen with patience,
watch with clear eyes and an open mind,
not just with the two legged but with all your relations.

If you wish to teach,
then likewise seek the elders and the children,
for even teachers become students when the class begins.
Always acknowledge the great spirit and the great mother
for the abundance within your life,
even within the darkest of times,
you still carry the greatest gift
and within this gift of life all things are possible.

Acknowledge also that there will never be a time
when you will not be dependent upon the mother
and all your relations for sustaining you.

Do not dishonor your relations
who give sacrifice so that you may live ,
acknowledge their gift of life,
it is the highest form of honor that they do so.
All life is valid,
man is only one small part of the life sustained by the mother,
but man has the capacity to cause great good or great harm.

Remember your connection to the mother and all your relations,
treat all life with respect of spirit.
Of all creation, only man, in his arrogance,
places himself above our relations.

When in truth man by his own hands and disrespect of other life
has caused immeasurable harm and destruction
to each and every part of creation.
This does not make us superior,
but instead shows an inability
to understand the most basic of all laws and truths.
One Creator,
One Universe,
One Earth,
One Tribe.

This is the time to teach all that will hear,
give voice to your heart share,
the lessons learned so that others may understand.
This is a time to learn, each moment,
each experience brings us closer to the truth of who we are.

Life has only the meaning that you give it
and only you define the meaning of your existence.
The truth of who you are remains constant and can bear no false witness.
Therefore seek the truth,
find your connection to creation, and your place within it.
So that you will understand.

I can't say I fully understand but I can say I've learned a lot from that daughter of mine. I've learned that I have to be who I am and let the chips fall where they may. She did not have the courage to do what I am feeling(s) she is prodding me very strongly to do. I am behaving in ways I never envisioned myself doing.

Speaking up instead of retreating like a turtle when threatened is hard living isn't it. Maybe sea turtles live a LONG life because they're so damn smart....anyway. I think that was a mini-vent directed to no one in particular. I wish SHE had spoken up more. We had a lot to learn from her wise soul.

I am trying to learn how to ask for what I need, bluntly and to the point. And learning there are people who can't hear and it's like talking to a wall. I can only remember one or two times personally walking away and it was hard to do.

However I have learned something- it would be very easy for me to walk off now. I won't argue with a wall that won't move. Never argue with a wall. They don't move and it only makes YOU look stupid. Save your time. Save your breath. Focus on something else. Move along, kiddo. I don't know if this is a good development or not- we will have to see but I am tired of people who speak English and hear in Pig Latin.

She wrote a lot about her inability to share her feelings with others, "Why can't they see who I am, understand me" type of stuff and you know what- I've had enough of THAT too. I'm going to say what I want (nicely) because in return, I expect the same you know? I cannot read minds. I have no hidden agendas. Those with hidden agendas need to stay the hell out of my life. Just go away. I'm rather accepting of flaws and what-not, just lay 'em out so I know. Almost anything can be dealt with as long as the deck isn't stacked against you. That's when you get into trouble with me.

The bottom line is you are your own creator or destroyer of your own life. (did you read Turtle Talk?) I do find I'm tired of helping others reach their goals, only to destroy mine on the way out of the door. Yet I believe in helping others. It is who I am. I will have to find a way to do it without letting others destroy mine in the process. My walls are up.

You can take what you've learned from your past and utterly destroy your life or create another. What I've learned is you can't lose hope but you must speak.

My daughter is leaving me a lot of messages, all geared towards MOI. Like mother, like daughter. She was way smarter than I. I'm blown away. And the rest of her stuff is still to come...

Nicole, the Princess Bride

Nicole was "The Princess Bride", incarnate my mom said today.

She is correct about that. It was her favorite movie. She knew all the lines.



This was her FAVORITE scene. She would mock it, oh she would. And had it down pat she did.

The strangest sleep ever...Kreb's Cycle puts my sleep cycle to shame!

I went to bed last night at 8:30 pm loaded down with my valium (per Neuro's orders) and promptly fell asleep. A DEEP SLEEP, I should add. At 8:45 am (oops-as you will see) I woke up, brushed my teeth and took the family farm outside to go potty. I wondered why it was so dark- was a thunderstorm coming? What was going on? It's supposed to be DAYLIGHT by 8:45 am and I was actually happy I had slept all night.

When I got back inside I realized something was wrong...I had to check on my computer since I had no clocks with AM/PM on it. It was 8:45 pm, not 8:45 am.

I had only slept 15 minutes.


Disgusting! Not only that, I had started the coffee, fed the dog and ....was ready to start my nutty day.

I crawled back into bed and started counting sheep. Finally got up at 4 am (it's hopeless, this sleep thing...utterly hopeless) and made a fresh pot of coffee. FYI: I did not drink that coffee last night. I growled at it (and the dog too) and wanted to open a window for fresh air. But NO! NO! NO! I won't open a window! I can't hear anyone coming in!

I'm ready to move away where only friends and family can find me and call me by name.

Massage Envy

Today I had an appointment at Massage Envy thanks to Victim's Compensation and I so did not want to go over there. I had a hard time walking in. Not only did my daughter work for the chain, it also reminded me that no matter WHO did my massages she was the best of all. Never mind the ocean scene they show on HD-TV. It made me sad, I have been longing for solace somewhere quiet. Away from the apartment. Not necessarily at the ocean but just...away.

Away from familiar things. I need a respite from SEEING HER STUFF. More is coming. I don't know where to put it. It brings great comfort as well as sadness. It brings more comfort than sadness but the apartment is overflowing. I have a king size tempur-pedic. It is too big. I can remember her sleeping with me in that bed...and my son too. All three of us would collapse and no one would give up their NASA FOAM MATTRESS SPOT. There was plenty of room for three. One of my favorite memories...and it was only three years ago.

Back to being massaged- I felt distinctly uncomfortable at being massaged. Normally I adore it but not today. I wanted to jump off the table and run out of the room yelling for my daughter. Instead I accepted the massage (duct tape up your mouth, Sherry!) and cried very quietly. She knew I was crying but she was truly kind, just like my daughter.

There is something about that profession that draws two types of people per my daughter - I remember when I took an aptitude test with Voc. Rehab, one of the choices that came up for me was "Massage Therapist" but so did "Game Warden" - don't ask me how accurate that aptitude test is. Maybe it's my belief in the right to bear arms. Harrumph. She did laugh when I told Nicole and she said "MOM- quit copying me!"

She said, "There are those who release their own stress by releasing other people's stress like me (meaning HER- she didn't have to listen to them talk) and then there are the perverts who think "Massage Therapy" means they get to play with women's bodies but then they find not every female that comes in is in tip-top form and they get out of the profession fast. It's a mindset", she says. She admitted she usually did her massaging with her eyes closed. Interesting!

I found that a funny observation on her part but ever since she told me that I have refused a male therapist. I can't shake loose what she said. Any guy that touches my body has earned the right to do so or been invited to. I have to trust. Otherwise hands off.

Emotionally I'm moving along the best I can but losing a child well...that's something I don't know how to deal with.

I'm paralyzed by inertia.

Music

This morning was a good morning. I felt more like a human being and less like a bad luck charm. Was treated like that for a change, and it was as if some clouds blew away. I still felt the heaviness of loss but there were moments of normalcy.

After I got back I went to youtube to reload my account with music since my old one was compromised.

I started over. This time I'm gathering up a lot of music my daughter and I used to listen to.




Mom and Dad gave me a choice one year- Did I want a Sony Recorder (or whatever it was called before it became a Camcorder, ha) or a stereo with not only an LP player but two tape players and an equalizer? D'oh. I picked the stereo. Was she one happy kid! Imagine that- a deaf mother wanting a stereo. Well I *did*.

I still had (and still HAVE) my LP's so we eagerly got them out. I remember the first album we played- Dory Previn!!! Dory was full of angst as a poet and singer.... It is extremely difficult to find her music, even on youtube. She was Andre Previn's ex-wife and Mia Farrow stole him away from her as the story goes. Apparently she never got over it (she wrote a song about Lemon Hair Ladies) so I wrote her a letter of encouragement...that was when I was only 20 or so. Her angst made me angst-y but I loved her music. I know...it doesn't make sense but that was me.

As a hippie-dippy chick at the time I wanted her to get over herself...! (I didn't quite put it that way tho) She wrote me back, thanked me for my support and sent me an autographed book. It's somewhere in my jungle of "kept stuff".

Nicole and I talked about Dory Previn. I adored her music but felt she had "issues" as I called them. Nicole on the other hand said "Dory has a point....Mia stole her husband!" I insisted that you have to climb down the Hollywood Sign and not jump off the letter "O" (the name of one of her songs) and not look back and besides if "Mia stole him, she never had him", I said. Why do you want someone who doesn't want you? When I think back to that conversation I remember her face. It was a look of pure horror. "But he was married to Dory", she said.... I do not know what I said after that. I hope it was something extremely smart but I think it shocked her to the core that adults could do such horrid things to their "loved ones".

She believed in faithfulness, truthfulness, compassion and every time she was disappointed. She truly believed in fairy tales (of love lasting forever) in her heart but I knew that love was always a risk. She was too afraid of failing to ever commit to marriage.

I know it now since she left behind so many journals. I feel a hoard of guilt for not preparing her for the harsher reality of life. Her favorite movies were "The Princess Bride", "Contact", "Big Fish" and anything with Sandra Bullock. Bridget Jones was probably her favorite girlie movie. I kinda relate to that one too. The Ya-ya sisterhood club will understand that. Men, maybe not.

Dory had wrong. She's STILL singing angst-y songs. Ya know, get over it Dory. I won't settle for crumbs. I hate this song Nicole and I used to listen to. I wish she would use her voice for something other than self-pity.

Lemon Haired Ladies
by Dory Previn

i'll take as it comes
discarding self-pity
i'll manage with crumbs
i'll settle for moments
i won't ask for life
i'll not expect labels
like lover or wife

if showing affection
embarrasses you
i will not depend
and i will not pursue
for you are
younger than i
younger than i
younger than i
and i am
wiser than you

the one a.m. phone calls
you're here then you're gone
come when you need me
i won't carry on
i'll simply accept you
the way that you are
unsure and unstructured
my door is ajar
those lemon haired ladies
of twenty or so
of course you must see them
just don't let me know
don't let me know

whatever you do
for you are
younger than i
younger than i
younger than i
and i am
weaker than you

i'll give you a year
maybe two
maybe three
then what will happen?
where will i be?
you'll still be a boy
but what about me?
what about me?

what about me?
why must you treat me
with so little care
i've so much inside me
i'm aching to share
why am i constant
to someone like you?

children don't know
the meaning of "true"
those lemon haired ladies
why must you see them?

all that i want in your eyes
is to be them
time is on their side
that's all i lack
i wish you would just
go away

no
come back
come back
go away
come back
go away
what in hell can i do?

i'm supposed to be wise
for i am
older than you
older than you
you so self-centered
the games that you play
do as you please
you will anyway

of course you will see them
no use to pretend
for they are
younger than i
younger than i

those lemon haired ladies
and they will
win in the end.

(NO THEY WON'T WIN IN THE END, DORY...)

Overcoming fear

This morning I woke up early- AGAIN. Valium isn't keeping me asleep but perhaps it is making me more manageable for others. That is good- for them. Someone needs to step in and float me to la-la land. I'm here, but not there- in la-la land that is. La-la land sounds tranquil.

However I know I must not go to la-la land...there is a quote I read and I put that thought in front of each step I take forward:

"The capacity for hope
is the most significant fact of life.
It provides human beings
with a sense of destination
and the energy to get started."
Norman Cousins

I have the capacity for hope but the energy to get started I lack.

Overcoming fear: I have my Copaxone injection out- what's this new fear about? A sudden fear (again?) about injecting myself? I had tackled that bull by the horns. Injecting myself had become as routine as brushing my teeth. Take cap off, pull plunger back to get an air bubble (yes we're to have a little air bubble...) and dart game time! Had a Bull's eye every morning- but now I'm ummmm, flinching at the 19% smaller needle (it's SMALLER? really? I never knew!) trying to summon up courage to inject. After seeing my daughter go thru hell I should not be afraid to inject...

After injecting myself manually this morning (after probing for the perfect spot for five minutes...normally it takes less than 5 seconds) I injected right into a blood vessel. What a bloody mess- plus I've lost real estate on the left side of my belly for a few days. At least I did it, I thought. Blood does not faze me. But bloody hell! (watch that new potty mouth Sherry... Mom's after you!)

A memory returned- the one time my daughter gave me an injection. She had a huge fear of needles. I told her she could learn to inject me - although I admit- I was petrified at the thought of her using me as a dart board...she "overcame her fear" while I kept mine under wraps. She never knew I was about to hurl over the thought of her injecting me. Her brother coached her thru it while I calmly sat there quaking in fear! I'm laughing about it now- maybe that's good. She never injected me again tho. I never did ask again either. My son automatically asks me if I want him to do it if he sees me grab the Copaxone and my answer is always a yes. I hate injecting myself so I take advantage of willing dartboard players!

There's no training, really. Just aim for the dartboard and fling.

Toodles.

Remembering songs

I have a VHS tape of songs Nicole and I used to "catch and record" with closed captions on Country Music TV and MTV. It was our "thing". I still have the tape! Among the songs we have on there that made it to our "Selection Favorites" are:

Mariah Carey: "Vision of Love"
Bad Company: "If You Needed Somebody"
Extreme: "More Than Words" (both of my kids sang this song at the top of their lungs all the time!)
M.C. Hammer: "Don't Touch This"

and as embarrassed as I am to admit it, the one-hit wonder...



Gerardo: "Rico Suave" (she and I both swore we'd run off with this man along with the lead singer from Bad Company- the blonde guy) and Gerardo, well we both thought he was HOT. Just smokin' hot. Now I think I was drinking hippy-dippy kool-aid with artificial chemicals. I just HAD to show the video. Oh- my - stars. We were both drooling on the couch together.

What was I thinking??? It is a good memory tho. We'd giggle like little girls. :=P

And of course Tom Petty: "Learning to Fly"-

She loved Anne Murray. Kathy Mattea. And of course, Dory Previn. Singers I've forgotten.

Worshipping the God of Valium doesn't always work...

I woke up at two am. There it was, a big red shiny engine hoist was impaled into my chest. Again. The valium is not working very well. Do I get up or stay put? Getting up involves farm chores in a small apartment. It was HOT. I knew the fan was swirling backwards but I wasn't gonna get up and figure out how to be a man in the middle of the night.

I could taste blood in my mouth. Two damaged teeth were bleeding- again. The chain the hoist was attached to it hit me on the way in, I thought in jest...but it was my two problem teeth. They are still loose from the abuse. Since my daughter died I have really been grinding my teeth since valium is simply not putting me to sleep. It is HARD to put me to sleep. I've been on everything. Some make me sleepwalk. I know that from CERTAIN THINGS I DID while sleeping. Like emailing while sleeping. Let's not discuss that.

The Neuro knows it is hard to sedate me. At first everyone thought sureeeeee, she wants drugs but when my anesthesia failed during my first colonoscopy they had their DOCUMENTATION. I'm to have full sedation next time but I refuse to unless I have electrodes monitoring my brain waves. I have fear of being "awake" but appearing asleep. MS affects people differently. I am not a problem child, I'm just drawn that way. Valium may be the one drug everyone wants but guess what...I can't tell I'm on it. Is this one of those "you get a tolerance real quickly to" drugs? If so...someone speak up and NOW.

At first it was okay, kept me calm for about a day. Second day, not so much. Now I'm at the "up the dose, lady....so I don't bite someone's head off point" (that's me to the Neuro on the next visit which will be as soon as my Plan F starts,since I can't afford 20% of anything which comes out of nothing) I had to RUN INTO HER OFFICE and get a script. Literally. I got it. She met me in the board room with kleenex and said "TAKE IT. A relapse we do not need." I'm going in solely to get something to SLEEP WITH. Even if it is strong enough for Anna Nicole Smith when she was stoopid. I need to sleep. I need to stop thinking of engine hoists impaling my chest.

Either she up my Valium at night AND prescribe duct tape during the day so I don't mouth off again at some innocent bystander and a get me a room at one of those Medihell sponsored compounds I will be okay. And if I get additional Valium or something that makes me feel like all this is going to go away one day, why I might even smile!

I had found my groove. I have to find a way to survive this.

They just called to tell me trial is set for July 27th. I think maybe I need morphine?

Three strikes, you're OUT!

Trying to understand all this is like trying to understand baseball and life. Well I'm a Rockies fan but I don't get it, sorry- I just like that cutie pitcher, 'k? However I'm so jumbled up I can't even think of his name. Oh well, I think I mentioned him on my blog when I was *me*.

You can't understand life or baseball. There is no going back in time to those moments of while at base. There is only going forward. I thought to myself, if I could go back in time to any one moment, what would it be? What single one thing could I have done that could have changed this for her?

If I had an hour to ponder over this question the answer would still be the same. I have no idea of who the players in her life I'd pull out. Who I'd put on the team, so to speak. I don't know what I'm really trying to say here.

You can't make sense of this. You just cannot.

I have to go forward. Karma is a boomerang as my daughter use to say- and she's so right. I find that despite the tragedies I have meet the most wonderful people. I mean incredible, incredible people.

I'd like to be a little selfish here and say I have met enough of you incredible people so stop taking my folks away, okay? :-P

At the rate of one death per year, that's three strikes, you're OUT.

The twins and my daughter

My daughter grew up with Becky and Jenny- they are identical mirror twins. I've always been able to tell them apart but many could not. Nicole and the twins share a birthday only days apart. They grew up together and celebrated many birthdays together. They had a tradition of gifting her with music boxes. She still has them but they have frequent flier miles. I had just returned them to Texas. They are still to make a trip back here so I can give them back to them as mementos.

This afternoon they stopped by. So many stories were told...they told me of all the influences Nicole as well as I still had on their lives even today. It was comforting instead of painful. Becky told me of all the times she'd come over and find my daughter and I listening to Crystal Gayle song's (oh I so forgot her!) at full blast while she and I marveled over the length of her hair. (and wondered how she went potty...such were our minds at the time) This is the song we always listened to:

Lyrics for the Deaf:

I could have a mansion that is higher than the trees
I could have all the gifts I want and never ask please
I could fly to Paris, oh, it's at my beck and call
Why do I go through life with nothing at all?

But when I dream, I dream of you
Maybe someday you will come true

I can be the singer or I can even call someone to take me to the moon
I can put my makeup on and drive the men insane
I can go to bed alone and never know his name

But when I dream, I dream of you
Maybe someday you will come true

But when I dream, I dream of you
Maybe someday you will come true

I do remember Nicole and I loving this song quite a bit. A LOT, I should say. Along with M.C. Hammer. Wow do our tastes ever change.

They also make their oatmeal the way to this day the way *I* make it. I cannot tell you how obsessed my kids are with the way *I* make oatmeal. My brother and I are the same way, we will only eat oatmeal made OUR way. We spoke of all the things they did as kids- I used to color their eggs and ham for "Green Eggs n' Ham" day, and I told them the truth about cookie dough...that no, eating raw cookie dough would not give you worms and it actually tasted better uncooked so we all ate our cookies raw after school. I was the only mother that allowed that apparently. Their mother was not too thrilled when I told them the truth. Oops.

We all laughed about the fact when Madonna came blaring on the scene with "Like a Virgin" and Nicole asked me what a "virgin" was and I said "ummm, just listen to the song" since she was only in 3rd grade because I didn't even KNOW the lyrics. And when one of their childhood friends had a "sleepover" in 3rd grade I was offended because their mother showed "Purple Rain" starring PRINCE to all of them... I mean geez. What happened to playing with Barbie?

I see they are Mommas now and are protective too. They worry about exposing their children to the wrong things too. Jenny has three, and Becky has two.

I am learning so much from my daughter now. She wrote so many quotes that meant a lot to her....I found one, author unknown- "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."

But I know who she directed that to, and that person is incapable of compassion. It was her way of comforting me after the fact.

Daisy is back

She didn't work out with her "new owners". She hid for over two months. I feel horrid. She's happy to be "home" and never did hide again. Goes to show you that you cannot toss away loved ones without a backwards thought. Although I did not do that, she never adapted to her new home.

She's back where she belongs. With me.

Oh- Daisy's my Maine Coon cat. :-) My daughter called her my soul cat. She was the one who started that phrase....

Utterly exhausted

Grieving is exhausting. You can only take out so many emotions before you stuff them back in where you don't want to see or deal with them again. Yet so many emotions must be dealt with or you'll end up incapable of compassion. I cope with a few at a time due to the magnitude of my problems. Death. Loss. Felony court. Probate. EX-Spousal harassment. Dental problems from the assault. Lack of funds. STOP. Just...STOP.

I want to go away to a quiet place. Q.U.I.E.T.....no cell phones. No television. No computers. Nothing. Just away.

I saw my therapist (yup...on SUNDAY) yesterday and that was a "Call 911 type" session. Too much going on at once....the cruelty in the world astounds me. My mind right now is like jello; poke and it jiggles....and mental damages fly out like nuke rockets from North Korea. My chronic nightmares do not help. Nightmares of being impaled by an engine hoist by *it* recur on a nightly basis.

What a wingnut...sending me motions while my daughter was dying. Yes he knew. The Realtor told him. He called. It infuriated my mother and son. How dare he. He didn't care when he left, how dare he pretend to care now?

Right now I am worshipping the God of Valium, thanks to my understanding Neuro. It helps keep my mind quiet.

All of my medical CLAIMS WERE DENIED BY BC/BS AND I PAID COBRA. I want my problems to vanish. More problems. I miss simple pleasures. Like getting up and wow, someone took the dogs potty.

I had a hard time adjusting to my apartment after my daughter died- I couldn't figure out why until yesterday. Apartment living didn't bother me at first, it wasn't exactly *bliss* but then I remembered why my adjustment was so difficult after I got home after she was gone.

She used to come out every morning when she woke up and always found me outside puttering about with my coffee. "Mom- you love being outside, you are always so happy!" We'd admire the blooming lilacs, the tomatoes, the large vine over the trellis, the honeysuckles and plot out how we'd make a "Memorial Garden" for my father. Since she's been gone, I've had a very difficult time adjusting to "apartment life" although it didn't bother me as much before. I adjust well- home is where the heart is. My heart was shattered tho. Our minds are a difficult thing to understand at times. I do try to understand myself- if I don't understand myself how can another person understand me?

There are times when people say "You are so strong, I can't believe you haven't had a relapse" and I want to cringe....because I don't feel strong. Not at all. I feel like a very overcooked noodle right now. I want someone else to take the load off me but no one else can. Everyone seems to be carrying their fair share of the load. They can't carry more of mine.

Last night my son, mom and I ate a quiet dinner and watched a movie. It is decidedly odd...knowing how small our family is now. No Poppa. No Nicole. And thank God, no *it* anymore. I do thank him for divorcing me and not maintaining our legal separation status even tho it forced me on COBRA. That was the best present he ever bought for me. THE VERY BEST.

And so went my day....I found a pair of earrings in my daughter's jewelry stash. It simply says "Healing". I hope, one day.

She will be home with me tomorrow. I will make a necklace like I did with my dad. I couldn't figure out how to wear TWO until I realized something....she is a turtle fan. I'll take it to the Bead Gallery, and they'll make a drop necklace and I'll have a turtle in the middle. My Dad on top, a turtle in the middle and my daughter on the bottom. To get an idea of what I'm talking about...click on the link below.

The odd and eerie thing is- looking back, I think my Dad was trying to warn me of what was about to happen to my marriage. I lost my Dad at the airport the weekend *it* started burning down down our house so to speak. I was freaking out... I almost didn't board the plane. Kallie, my son's ex g/f found him at the resturant we had eaten at. My former MIL called her and she went back and found him. I don't know about all this but he's never fallen off before or since then. I can't help but wonder.... was he warning me? It makes you think. Thinking too much gives one a headache, a friend pointed out....

As strange as this might sound, my son and I are doing this. I had this done for my Dad as it brings great comfort to me. So...they'll be together.

http://www.memoryglass.com/pendants.asp

Grieving and learning things about your daughter

With all the stress the *it* is throwing at me with this stupid petty motion I wonder...I just wonder where the kindness in the world I am accustomed to seeing evaporated.

My daughter was a journal writer. I am pained by her writings.... She spoke so much of how hard it was to see people treat each other with cruelty and how the all the world needed was more love. In one of her questionnaire type journals, a question was asked: "If you could go back in time to a meet a historical figure, who it be?" She said "Hitler at 17 so I could make a difference."

Another question said "If you had to die in a famous historical event, what would it be and why?" She wrote: "9-11". Like me, 9-11 severely impacted her. We both had great difficulties sleeping after that. It took both of us months to learn to sleep again after that. She and I could not fathom such evil. I remember her telling me "I can't have children now, I'd be afraid for them."

One thing my daughter wrote in her journal that greatly upsets me: It was a question and answer book: The question was, "If you could discover something you thought that was true was actually false, what would you wish it to be?"

Her answer? The divorce rate in America. I cried for a long time over that one. She never could marry because of her fear of divorce. When *it* left me it shook her world to the core. She thought us hard-core stable, but so did I for that matter. It saddens me to know she was still grieving and wasn't telling me because I was *so over it*. She was also frightened for me. She had a lot of emotional pressure on her.

And one sweet entry about her brother:

If your plane was about to crash and you had time to write a quick note, to whom would you write, and what would you say?

Drew- do better than I...mostly....be happy and teach others- love you more than ever said.

What???? There was nothing but love in her loving massage therapist hands. So many questions and no answers.

I want her back.

I hurt too much

I am empty. It has been a one hellish week. First day I was back I had to call the police. They are still investigating to see if he could send me mail. Second day I was back I had to see the DA's Victim's Advocate. I have had no time to mourn.

My EX filed a motion for property he already had in his possession except for one item which I sold to pay for COBRA since he is in arrears in spousal. I don't lie. I hired an attorney they recommended. Damn that wingnut. Leave me alone. You have your nutcracker and airplanes you fool. Andrew didn't even want HIS. He was revolted. So you have TWO airplanes. And what the hell is an engine brake bleeder??? I have no idea what that is.

I long for solace. I need to mourn instead of running around from agency to agency and lawyers to DA's.

Two of my teeth are about to fall out. Yep, from the abuse. October 20th. That date will very quickly fade.

Forever imprinted into my mind...June 10th, losing the most horrendous thing in the world, a child..my daughter.

To keep my blogs on topic (HA)- I have created another another. One is my postcard blog and now I get to bore you with another. http://medihell.blogspot.com/ Three's a crowd?

This new blog is dedicated to my daughter who had no health insurance and will be devoted solely to the plight of those with no insurance like her- and those on Medicare/Medicaid. It is ridiculous for those to go without medications they need to keep from getting SICK and then they end up sicker, thus costing taxpayers more. My mother goes without medications she needs but cannot afford because Medicare says she does not *need them* but her doctor says she does. It is ludicrous she had to take a mortgage out on her home to keep my father alive because Medicare wouldn't pay for treatments that kept him alive for many years.

Furthermore, it is crazy I can't get Copaxone under Medicare. Come on! Do you taxpayers want to pay for everyone's declining health if we all quit taking medications that keep us as healthy? What a drain on the health care system. Thus...the birth of a new blog.

I will be documenting my activities on health care reform and my new "career" as a advocate for Medicare/Medicaid reform and the uninsured. I will NOT remain passive on this.

I have a lot to say about THAT issue.

But not right now. My mind is a mess. I am finding all her medical records and notes in her apartment and it is unfathomable to me what she had to endure. I have to grieve and take care of myself first.

I plan to set up a Foundation in her honor and tackle this bull by the horns. There was no reason for her to die. NONE.

We are the ones left behind to deal with this pain and guilt, and will forever live with this- but if we can make a difference, then her life will mean something more than her wonderful too short gift of 34 years of love.

I am returning to Colorado. Andrew left yesterday.

The Realtor of EX's next wife to be (oh- already engaged? again?) parents (apparently they're friends, and thank you for sharing the engagement announcement) sent me a packet to sign to "sell the house" to TEXAS. I have not even opened it. For the love of pete...

I lost my daughter. Give me a frickin' break. I'll open it when I have time. For heavens sake, *it* refused to sign the insurance check for the fence when it fell down and my daschie was escaping while I frantically hunted for her but now *it*wants my signature on everything ASAP because HIS house of cards is collapsing. I was not the one out charging $100-200 meals so don't blame ME. In fact, I wasn't even at those meals...I was eating food provided by friends and family who paid *spousal* for me. I still owe them money. Sweat it out. I did.



I have other matters that require my attention FIRST, like my daughter's estate and MEDIHELL. That's going to take me a whole week to deal with when I get home. I have to go back and stand in the welfare line...again. Alone. I have to go to Social Security. Again. They still have the wrong income. Again. My Medicare card is wrong. Again. I also found ONE LINE in the massive Security Handbook that says if you have been married (pay attention folks!) for ten years or more and get a divorce you can have your medicare premium Part A reduced by 43%. I don't think even Social Security knows that themselves. So there I go back again folks....with that massive book and highlighted line to do something about that problem too.

Karma is a boomerang.

Yes I'm mad. I had to listen to my daughter cry two weeks ago over his betrayal over his abandonment of HER. She had not gotten over that- and I didn't know it. I did not know it. I found her journals and she wrote about his abandonment of HER. We talked about it at length but little did I know how much harm he did to her emotionally. I tried to reach out to my stepchildren but was cut off at the pass. I still have my stepson's text messages to me locked on my phone and Facebook messages printed out.

I will have to add an addendum to my Victim Impact Statement.

Let the wingnut whirl.

WHAT??????

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20090614/D98Q5L4O0.html

Wait. Wait. Wait!!!!! I've been talking about Medihell for some time and I still have to DEAL WITH IT when I get home. I haven't gone back to Social Security to tell them they have the wrong income AND now I hear THIS????

STOP! STOP! STOP!

If I go back to work, I lose my Copaxone because Medicare will only pay 33%. If I stay "poor", Medicaid will pay for it. STOP!!!!!!

I'm going to become a political activist on several causes, especially medical care since I "cannot work" to get Copaxone. Damn if you do, damn if you don't. I have found my passion.

Today we go to my daughter's apartment....it will be a hard day. I am trying not to think about it. Some of her things will be put in storage and brought up to Colorado at a later date- and the things I want now will go back in a car with Barry. That is all I want to say about her today.

I am emotionally empty, but fighting mad....about medical care, health insurance and more. It failed my daughter, and it is failing many. It is keeping me from working as well as those who do not want "free money" to sit around when they can work part-time.

I will be turning into a political activist for better health care. If you think Cindy Sheehan had a big mouth, watch out. (FYI: I am no fan of hers) I'm going to be walking, crawling or catching a ride on a turtle with a big stick to Washington, DC.

Somehow, someway I will get my voice heard.

Time to reboot Congress.
They want to bulldoze 50 cities.
Let's start with Washington, DC.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/financialcrisis/5516536/US-cities-may-have-to-be-bulldozed-in-order-to-survive.html

A celebration of Nicole's life

Last night we had a celebration of Nicole's life at my parents house- the very place where my father's memorial as well as my grandmother's was held. My dad died two years ago, my grandmother last year. Nicole traded this home for another this year as the song my cousin Tracy wrote says. That is the one thing that keeps me going...is thinking of her trading one home for another and being with her Grandfather and great-grandmother.

The outpouring of support was overwhelming to say the least. I knew she had a lot of friends but never did I know she had so many! So many shared stories about Nicole- it was obvious to me she was a caretaker and had taken care of so many. There was Grace, the elderly neighbor who broke her foot when my grandmother was ill and Nicole despite the stress she was under while taking care of my Grandmother took care of her as well by grocery shopping, helping her with chores and more. How she did it, I do not know. She had a lot of demands on her but she made the choice to be there because of her compassion.

When we flew down to visit my father for the last time, Nicole decided to stay behind so she could help with taking care of my father. I will always wonder if she put too much pressure on herself by helping others and neglecting herself. But that was Nicole. She worried about me too much. Mom- are you taking your shots? Mom-are you taking your vitamins? Mom- are you letting "it" go? Yes Nicole...I did that a long time ago! (but she was having trouble...) Are you sure, Mom? Yes Nicole...I'm sure. What about your MS, Mom? It's fine, Nicole. Are you sure, Mom? Yes, Nicole...I'm sure. That child of mine worried more about others than herself.

Nicole and I had some deep conversations when I was last here. She spoke of her pain at being abandoned by "it". How could he walk away and never look back? Leaving me out of the blue was one thing but did he not realize he had other people who depended on him as well? She was grieving. She did not understand abandonment without a backwards glance. I told her if she did, she'd be just like "it" so her ability to feel compassion, empathy, pain was a trait. That leads to the next topic- but I showed her a quote SHE wrote down (author unknown) and told her this is the answer to that question.

Desiderata

Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is perennial as the grass...
...you are a child of the Universe,
no less than the trees & the stars.
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should-
Therefore, be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations
in the noisy confusions of life
Keep peace with your Soul
With all it's shame and drudgery, broken dreams...
It is still a BEAUTIFUL WORLD!

She had a book of quotes she had handwritten in a journal that I read to her only a couple of weeks ago when she got out of the hospital the first time. I shall share a few of her favorites. I do not know the authors as she did not write them down.

So many Gods, so many creeds.
So many paths
that wind & wind.
While just the art of being kind
is all the sad world needs.


Be constant like a turtle-
Be still like a tree-
Innocence is the balance between stillness & constancy
Stay in your innocence
Every moment in time
Your knowing will turn
Your constancy will shine


We do not "come into" this world;
We come out of it as leaves from a tree...
Every individual is an expression of the whole realm of nature,
a unique action of the total universe.


Life offers unlimited beauty and potential for joy
as well as endless opportunities for pleasure.
Always remember you can surround yourself
With actors of your choice,
Paint your backdrop
And arrange your very own background music.


God...is like a pool of water,
sometimes you dip your toe in,
sometimes you take a plunge
Sometimes you ease your way in...
And sometimes you retreat completely back out.
But the water is always there

and the last quote she wrote...

~Be one with the power & wisdom of the Universe~
~Claim this power~
~Release all fears and doubts~

I will try, Nicole...I will try. For you.
You are very much missed by so many.

Brain Cheese: Light The Blogger Candle...

Brain Cheese: Light The Blogger Candle...

A thanks to all my blogger friends who lit the blogger candle for Nicole. It was much appreciated and much needed.

My cousin wrote this song....and will sing for Nicole

Don't Cry Too Long For Me

Verse I: I am leaving but it's not goodbye
So don't cry too long for me.
Traded one home for another,...
You're still my sister, friend my brother,...
Can't you see?

Chorus: Look in the Trees and see me smiling at you,
thunder claps and that's me.

Verse II: Sitting with the night behind me,
I'm calm like rain heavy trees,...
rain heavy trees.
And in the Sun Yes'es Run Rampant
and my dreams run wild and free,...

Chorus: Look in the Trees and see me smiling at you,...
Thunder claps and that's me.

Bridge: Old Soul,...keep on walking towards it,...
moving through your wisdom.

Copyright by Tracy Brockman

Nicole

This picture was taken of Nicole on
New Years's Eve- this year.

She's the silly one in the middle with all the beads........ that's her, the social butterfly. I cannot believe how many friends she has.

They were trying to decide where to go for New Year's Eve and ended up going no where.

Nicole: 11.7.74 to 6.10.09

My beautiful daughter died in the arms of her brother, her grandmother and I this morning around 7:35 of multiple organ failure starting with a horrid onset of double pneumonia.

My heart is....shattered. Again. My son and I are in shock.

Thank you for all the emails. My email box is so full...it will take me time to go thru them.

Her memorial service is about her and will be informal- at her grandma's home.

A mother is not supposed to outlive her daughter. My dad died, my grandmother died, and now my daughter. I feel as if we are regular customers at Porter Loring.

I don't know what to say anymore

She's so sick. Things are grim. What else is there to say?

I contacted Clinton/Macy's and told them I wouldn't be there. They understood. Who cares about a $500 dress when your daughter is slipping away....

There is nothing worse than losing a child.

My brain is frazzled. I appreciate all the email, support, prayers and everything coming her way. She needs every one of them.

Update III:

Prognosis: Grim

She is on life support. Her pneumonia is severe. Her kidneys have shut down. My son, her brother was to return tonight but cannot leave her side. She is most responsive to him. She's on dialysis, a ventilator, a feeding tube, and I don't know how many other tubes....I lost count. Her room looks like an electronic monitoring station. She has tubes coming out of every possible orifice.

My son and I think she's giving up. I want to give up too. I'm tired of this insane year. I don't know what happened to my stable life.

Update II:

My daughter is now on dialysis, a feeding tube, a breathing tube and I don't know how many tubes...I do not recognize her. She is not aware/awake. Her kidneys have shut down, her pneumonia is worse so they cannot take her off the ventilator.

I am heading to bed. Her father is with her.

This is too much for me. The whole year is too much for me. I want off the spinning planet.

Update:

I'm in Texas. So is her brother.

My daughter's critically ill. She has double pneumonia, her kidneys are failing, she has sludge in her gallbladder with gallstones and she basically has multi-organ failure.

Her prognosis is grim. She had three units of blood and three units of plasma. They don't know where she was bleeding. She's on a ventilator.

This is not something I can handle. She is only 34.

I've contacted the DA. Court has been postponed.

My daughter

She's back in the hospital and it is very serious. This time, my mother is flying down while I finish up Medihell paperwork.

I won't be posting for a bit. I have to tend to this. I may be heading back to Texas somehow.

Sorting out your closet and finding your MS instead

I'm down to box #3 or #4. It started out simple enough. My closet was driving me crazy. Winter was mixed up with spring, some pajamas (why?) were hanging up with my jeans and jackets were everywhere. My three new Dillard's outfits were exceedingly difficult to find in there- I must have some sort of order or I just stare and glare. Not good. Plus I wanted to find my Wacom Tablet.

Found the Wacom Tablet. But where's the pen?

Three more boxes to go. I'll eventually find it but all I find is frogs. NO MORE FROGS. I finally understand why my Grandmother would use the word I hated so much... I even hate to type it here. She used it for everything. I never use that word until this very creature played a large part of *it's wedding. Frogs. Now I utterly despise frogs. Every box I open has FROGS in them. ACK. Three more boxes to go.

The funniest thing I found was my parents 50th anniversary book I was working on at the time back when we had the Paper Garden- it is glaring obvious how my new "MS Brain" is wired. I started off with a lovely black and white Maytag type momma in an apron serving her kids and hubby fried chicken (I burned down my parents kitchen, another story for another time) and mashed taters.... and then it hops to my kids at the age of 14 or so...Back to the Future we go, a snapshot of the family while I was around 6 years old. And again to the kids when they were in junior high and so forth. There is no timeline, no story to follow... and I remember thinking at the time "so what...life never makes sense anyway, so why does a memory book have to?" but truth be told it was a picture jumble of my mind at the time. Or perhaps what I was thinking makes more sense. LOL.

And on it goes.As I was making that very beautiful (and it's gorgeous if I may so say..) scrapbook in a retail price of $175 book, it is apparent I have hit a cognitive snag in the way my brain is wired. I hop around topics. From this year to that year or this issue to that one. Anyone notice this? I just did..in the post below.

To see it in living color, in scrapbook form - dang it folks, when I was itty-bitt it was black and white, when I was itt-bitty-older it was more orange-y, then when it was *BOOM* real life color, it was d'oh. Oh. I've changed, that much. I used to be so organized it drove my mother crazy.

To me, my scrapbook represented in black, white and color (LOL) for me and any dumb-ass doctor who failed to diagnosed me at the time that I had *ahem*, as Dr. House would say Multiple Sclerosis and not a creative flow.

If the picture fits.....let it myelinate. I mean they were whispering those words to me but not wanting to say them but you know what fellas? Say it. It might have done two big things to me:

Kept me from going part-time and smashing my disability benefits in half. It's hurting me now, fellas.

Two, this part I shall refrain from saying.

Sonny Melendrez! My cousin Stacie!

I found him on Facebook and UPDATED him on what was going on and he was very proud of the way I had handled myself (and WOOT, my Macy's makeover win!) and surviving the baloney *it* is dishing out.

He's the one that had me on the radio show talking about dating as a single deafie in a world of cell phones and all that it entails- and groan...he even MARRIED *it* and I on the show. That memory I have erased from my soft drive.

Then here comes my sassy cousin Stacie- I had to post her comment in this post in case you don't read post comments. She said: "and now that we're living in the USSB (United Socialist States of Obama) things are only going to get better! LOL!!! And I hope you know that by better I mean much, much worse" when I talked about how winning the 5K makeover would screw up my medicaid benefits! Of course Stacie...I'm very aware. I'm in a pickle.

What to do? One catwalk at a time.

Hey Stacie- do you think we taxpayers should buy 70% of Macy's?

Doing math in my sleep- and losing my health insurance!

Last night I tossed and turned all night with a mental calculator adding up my adjusted gross income plus my winnings (Macy's Makeover) and I realized that if I win the 5K shopping spree I will lose my medical benefits. I guess that blows or you can laugh about it.

Medicaid giveth, they taketh. They taketh a lot. You can't have any savings.

All night I calculated. I could no more pay taxes on winning 5K of clothes plus accommodations for two than I could come up a way to pay for a new medicare plan next year. The irony...oh the irony. I barely squeak by with this year's winnings. It's the Christmas present that keeps taking and as I've said before- it's the JEEP.

There are needs and wants and what I *need and want* is a way to survive without the assistance of Mom who can't afford to be here anyway and I can't afford to live alone and that's the merry-go-round I am on. She prefers Texas because she has RA. I can't stand Texas because I have MS.

What a conundrum.

One catwalk at a time.....

I've re-named my book

I forgot to tell you people...I'm writing a book. Yes, I am. At first it was going to be

it takes a lot of time to be me

(yes, all lower case) but decided to rename it

One Catwalk at a Time

because you see....I'm turning everything that's upside down, upside right. It takes a lot of time to be me. At the rate things are going I will need a wife first. A mail-ordered one...a politically incorrect one, OKAY? And tonight I do not feel especially creative so don't judge my post by it's cover.

I'm starting way back when I was a child- and how I ended up here. My journey is not finished. I woke me up last night thinking- oh my gosh- if I win the 5K makeover, I have to say no...because I'll lose my medical benefits. Medicaid does not allow you to have assets like that. They giveth, they taketh.

One catwalk at a time. The same thing woke me up last year when I was at the icky sad house. I woke up thinking oh my gosh- how will I mow the yard and take care of the snow? MS affects abilities to do things like that if it's too hot or too cold. I had to ask my neighbors who became "My Briargate Angels", that's who. Things do have a way of working out.

I must remember that. One catwalk at a time.

I did win the Clinton Makeover (viewed a zillion videos, ohhh...my....goodness!) and I cannot fathom what they will do to me. I dread curls more than anything. Or going boobie blonde. That, and falling off the stage of course!!! Do they do retakes with the remakes? Certainly I am scared to death of being at the Cherry Creek Mall Macy's, doing the CATWALK with Clinton from "What Not to Wear". YES. I AM SCARED. Then two days later I go to court with my EX. The odd humor here does not escape me. So- do I wear my $500 outfit to court? Ha.

I'm on Medicaid but I won a $500 outfit
Do you NOT see the irony here???

One catwalk at a time.

Mom called this morning and NOOOOO..... there was a problem with Medihell again. I immediately took two valiums, shaved my hair off my head and went to bed. Nah. Gotta keep my hair the same for Clinton's Makeover America!

I had to go get my ID copied and wait for my social worker (oh the irony) to show up and after several more hours it appears I am on Medicaid. I think. And my ID card should be at an "undisclosed location" very soon.

I am also signed up for Project Angel Heart and my food will arrive every Saturday morning. Mom and I did the budget (I *do* know she wants to return to Texas) and and to her dismay, it does not appear she can unless I win the lottery. She is too cold here. I do not make enough money, nor does she. My finances are not a wreck..they're non-existent. Nor am I in debt. I am in a difficult situation. My damn Jeep, why did he buy it for me for Christmas? I didn't even ASK for a frickin' car.

If I go to work- I risk losing my benefits. They're important to me since they pay for my Copaxone. Spousal doesn't count. I can get 20K a month in spousal and still get Copaxone. Well toots. I'd rather work, but better yet, not be in this position in the first place.

Now Stacie dear...my sweet cousin Stacie. I've tried several tactics. Saying nothing at all to dates then they get upset at being "surprised" because they want HONESTY from the start. Or laying it all out on the table with humor and hoping they'll move on to the next chapter, i.e., letting me get thru this garbage but have a good time too being a friend first (that's called dating) but gosh my life resembles a soap actress on teevee. I mean how many bags of garbage can one pull out before he says STOP, that's enough? Or when do you get to the point where you say "Does he need to know this?" and then there's DA mail everywhere and he looks at you like how come you didn't tell me this....

"Oh and I live with my mother too...." is another show-stopper. They don't realize my mother is like a Katherine Hepburn, she turns the other cheek and closes the door. HA.

I got off my Victim's Impact Statement today. Documentation is good. Called the DA and apparently trial is still set for the 22nd which is right after my Clinton Makeover America Contest win, tooooo funny! I might just get to wear my $500 outfit to court. I might even ASK for a court outfit! That would be a first. Or should I ask for a big boobie date outfit? The whole thing is televised... HUM.

I won't be surprised if court is delayed but I did leave a message that I must speak to the DA first...since the other one is gone.

I did calculate that if I win the 5K makeover my medical benefits are shot to hell.

One catwalk at a time.That's all I can handle.

Dating, Medihell, missing mail and TMI

I'll know tomorrow but if I'm right I'll be fully enrolled in some program that covers Copaxone 100% and they go by adjusted income, not gross (well gee, someone should have asked me!) and without getting too much in detail here I get my injectables paid at almost 100%.

I WAS ENROLLED in a Part D way back when but the "reply to" part was refused and returned to sender. I obviously did not do that but let's say the socks of lost fairies took it with her. So...I was dis-enrolled when I did not return said form.

It is taking a lot of time to be me.

And then there is dating. What is "too much information"?

My life is indeed, very very complicated to an outsider. To me, it's putting it all out there so it's out there, over with, done with, now can we get on with the show of other things like getting to know each other?

Let's say:

You start at date #1 "By the way I am hard of hearing, well....kinda deaf but...well, I AM DEAF but most people think I am hard of hearing, okay???" And you impress them with your new implant and hearing aid and lipreading skills. Or not.

Date #2 you start off by saying "By the way "I won the Macy's Makeover Contest so I'll be on tee-vee with Clinton, you know from 'What Not to Wear'" and you KNOW you wrote something about bras in your essay so you are honest and blunt and say what you said...hey! They might read it on tee-vee!

Date#3 you start off by saying "Oh by the way I have a court trial coming up against my ex....." and uh he still sees I still have panic attacks even thinking about it. Not about *it* but about the whole aspect of it. I want it behind me. It is right after the Macy's Makeover Show, believe it or not.... Oh the humor of it.

Assuming you get this far, (HAHAHAHA) you start off your date by saying you have Multiple Sclerosis, you're a domestic violence survivor, and he left you in a dire position and shall I go on and on?

You see? Old blog faithfuls will know what I mean. I've been to hell and back again. I am me again. Newbies will go "huh"?? It's why I changed my blog.

But it is part of my life. But WHEN is TMI too much TMI? Never? Ever? Gradually? Eventually? How slow is "eventually"? I'm a take it as it comes chick. Harrumph.

I just do not know how to archive my life answers when dating. My life so too complicated yet I...the person am now, not.

Medihell explained, ah....

Turns out I *did* enrolled in a Plan D back then but a certain someone has been discarding my mail. Including my life insurance premiums.

I love those miserable souls. Took several hours but I have PROOF. Now it's my decision as what I shall do.

Sweat it out. I did.

Brain Cheese outted my potty mouth

Brain Cheese: A Little Bit O' This -n- That...

Okay...so I have a potty mouth when it comes to MS, politics, health insurance and Medihell.

With Medihell taking away all my prescriptions like COPAXONE and Topamax, what am I supposed to do? Find an "M Card"? We have the Green card so illegal aliens can marry and become legal, we have QMB so kinda poor people can get sorta good insurance, we have Medicaid for the very very poor, we have "insurance for the uninsured" in Texas, but! but! we could get the "M Card" which is marriage just for health insurance reasons (see why civil unions are important?) or just give up and say (turn away little children, potty mouth is dialing in) fucktard, I have no insurance so let Multiple Sclerosis make me worse. Then the State of Colorado will one day be forced to pick up the tab for sick, sick, little me and stick me in an oven somewhere and turn on the flames. Well...I do have a backup plan. My BF with MS has promised to drive me off a cliff in a Thunderbird if things get really bad.

Copaxone is my life-life. I can't find a damn health plan to cover that drug. It improved my health so much it is ridiculous. Friday my social worker is coming over to help and even SHE is stymied. Now that is scary. She plans to call "SHIP Counselors". She works for the MS Chapter...the problem is I am too young for this or that or too "rich" for this or that. I fall thru all the cracks. It's like too bad you're not in debt.

AND NONE OF THEM COVER COPAXONE OR TOPAMAX. Except at 33%. Let's see....what's 33% of $3,700 a month each??? (yes- my Topamax is that expensive, I take 300 mgs per day) Answer: Bankruptcy. I fall into the donut hole with every single plan in the first month. Wow. Two of my best MS medications are almost 8K a month. That is absurd. I've been on Topamax for 14 years and now it's threatened because it's that expensive? I thrive on Topamax. It kills my nerve pain, I have no migraines, I walk normally and with me cutting back my pain is returning ten-fold.

I'd like to know who I should CUSS AT. Lots of pissibilities here. I run a tight ship with my finances. I am no means *cheap*, but I watch my dollars. I do not worship the credit card. Cash is my mantra. If you can't pay for it, do without and kiss your sweetie and kids. That lights up a room more than gaudy toys.

But wait a minute- we're talking about HEALTH CARE. This is a crisis. I need Copaxone and Topamax and I truly, truly, truly hate how I was put into this mess.

At least I have a fancy outfit coming up out in June!!!

It takes a lot of time to be me

Had a lot of legal errands to run before and after my date (and oh yes it was fun!) but when I got home Mom was about to pull her hair out. She had been on the phone all morning looking for Prescription D plan for me.

I can't keep paying $600 a month in Cobra (ran out of things to sell) but I can't go without Copaxone. As it is I am taking it every other day and about to go every three days. After calling Shared Solutions we realized that I had ONCE AGAIN turned in the wrong income information....ARGH!!!! I gave them my gross income when they really wanted my adjusted income. They didn't notice the wrong "line", and I didn't know which line they wanted.

D'oh. Now I'm eligible for MEDICAID. Not QMB. Holy hell. I want to scream. Back to Social Security again? Stand in line at the welfare office once again...and hide my face from hopefully my former coworkers? NO. NO. NO. But yes I must....

The irony here does not escape me. I'm going to Denver because I won a contest, will get at least one $500 outfit, free makeup, a DVD recording of the whole show, yet I can't afford my own apartment. However that's going to change...and soon.

I will find my way. I did win the makeover contest because I wrote an essay didn't I? That's just the beginning baby...just the beginning.

It sure takes a lot of time to be me. I long for solace around a BBQ grill, a picnic, sitting outside staring at the stars. Simple pleasures.

Trying to keep up with all the paperwork involved in all this is maddening. I can't find this form or that form and I will be so happy when all the forms go *poof*, you're done!

And it's all because
I need health insurance.

JUST HEALTH INSURANCE!!!!

See? I WAS talking about Clinton!

http://wordsalads.blogspot.com/2009/04/now-i-remember-why-red-toenails.html

I TALKED about Clinton and the Macy's makeover. I really DID enter the contest. I really DID write my essay. I don't have MY OWN CLOTHES! I have everyone's castoffs but I do have a funny story to share. When I got back from Texas I told Mom she and my daughter had more clothes than a Dillard's store. And all I had was hand me downs and I was jealous. (haven't you guys been reading my blog? LOL) Well, Mom got a refund check from Macy's (yes...where I won the makeover) a few days ago and said HERE...go buy you some clothes of your own!

Wheee! So I *did*. I had no summer clothes. (my winter clothes by the way- are too big now but that's another season, another time) Bought three sets of cargo/capris, and a few tops. That's all I could afford. But they're mine, mine, mine! And I picked them OUT.... it might not be much but they don't fall down!

The very next day a gal named Jennifer called from the Clinton's Makeover America staff and said I won the regional contest...!!!!! (luckily Mom didn't say I had to return my clothes I just bought with her refund check....)

I had a sneaky feeling I was going to win. I don't know why...I guess it was because I am implementing all the changes that I want in my life and they're working. Chasing my dreams is what I'm doing and hey- I'm having a great time!

Gini has pneumonia (again) but I had backup antibiotics so I'll get more from my kindly vet. She also injured her shoulder when she ran into the wall while doing the Gindianapolis 500. She's been hiding in her bed for several days.

I'll get a $500 outfit plus makeup, etc. FUNNY....it's the weekend before court unless there's another delay. HA! Karma!

I'll get a DVD production of the whole thing and the main contest winner (1 in 105 chance I think?) gets to go to NYC for a 5K shopping spree. I plan on winning it. I visualize winning it. I don't visualize losing it. I just see myself winning it (like I did this contest) and sometimes it happens. Sometimes it doesn't. It will be on the website and YES I'll post a link. D'oh.

Life is what you make it. I climbed out of the abyss and I am not going back in. EVER. I had to stand in line with a bunch of poor people yesterday in the same building I used to work in (hoping I wouldn't run into my old flame) to apply for QMB and that was humbling. They will call me for an appointment to verify my income and such. I still do not have Plan D and am running out of Copaxone. I am taking it every other day and will have to start taking it every three days if something doesn't shake loose. It scares the dickens out of me. I am doing exceeding well so I do NOT want to skip my Copaxone.

Medihell is horrid. I can't stand it. It's...horrid. Just...horrid. I would have worked with *it* to pay COBRA but no, he brought his girlfriend to our "legal separation" and divorced me on the spot. Nobody brings their girlfriend to court unless they are sharks masquerading as dolphins. Let the wingnut whirl.

I'm having fun! I still have a full day today of problem solving downtown but that's okay, there's a skip in my step and a bigger smile on my face!

I can't believe how many people have asked me "Did you REALLY win?" HEY! My name will be on the website when the Denver winners come up...do you think I could pull of a stunt like making up something like THIS??? You will SEE me... ACK!!!!

As long as I don't look like a poodle or Dolly Parton....I'll be happy.

I WON!!!!!!

http://macysmakeover.com/live.html

They called me today (actually they called my mother who was running around with me to Social Security) to sign up for QMB and I WON!!!! I WON!!! I WON!!! I'm one of the 15 regional winners!!!

I had to write an essay and submit two photos. That was it- My essay was funny- and I'm to be in Denver June 19-20, and on the 20th is my "reveal party" with all my family and friends invited! Clinton will be there picking out my clothes, directing my hair (uh-oh) and makeup. OMG. Just don't make me look like Dolly Parton!!!

A single winner of all the regional makeovers (not sure how that works) gets to go on to New York City to get even more clothes. With one person....WOOT! I'm aiming for that prize.

Oh yeah- I get to keep the clothes, shoes, makeup and other things. And yeah...I gotta do the cat walk thing. OMG. I get at least one $500 outfit. Who's taking me out? HA!

Woot! More than that, I was *tinkled pink* because it proved to me that you DO get back what you PUT out. Except for my normal depression about my dog Quill, I'm just ....floored.

And if anyone wants an invitation to my "reveal", let me know!!!! It's at Cherry Creek Mall in Denver and on the 20th but in (talking like Dick Cheney) "an undisclosed location".

Watch the video....and keep checking back for the Denver winners and MY NAME WILL BE THERE!!!!

YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! I knew I was gonna win...haven't you been reading my blog me telling Clinton to quit smirking at me?

HA! I won! YAY!

I'm home but...

I have to tend to Quill, my wonderful Golden. I've contacted the vet and he's going to be put to sleep. This will be exceedingly difficult for me as he was my main man for 10 years. I asked that it be done later this week so I can spend a few more days with him.

Dr. Jodi will come to my home and take care of it. I am so sad.... and Gini will NOT know what to do without her big pillow to climb on. She loves to sleep on his back.

That is ALL I can do for now.

Bad pickup lines

Oh men!
don't say stuff like that...

That was a bad pickup line alright. That one did not have me at "Hello". (which is a good thing since I do NOT live in Texas anymore!) Not that any have thus far. I have a reputation for being picky. My EX had to wait 6 months for his first kiss but now I know why. My instincts were spot on but I did not pay heed.

I've heard the pickup line before (see the smiley?) but he must have mistaken me for a goon. I gave him a killer "MOMMY" look because quite frankly he had not gotten out of his diapers if he was going around saying things like that. "Hello, what's your name?" is a nice pickup line. Calling me a BROOM will get you no where. I guess that's a Texas thing. UGH. I hate Texas. I sooo..hate Texas.

I lost my phone, found it. (yes- again) Then I lost my phone charger. Found it where I would have put it had I not lost my phone in the first place. Guess that's what I get for traveling without a purse. Yes ladies...I came to Texas without a purse. Why take more than you have to? All I brought was two outfits, my computer and war paint. I haven't worn makeup but once so I guess I could have left the war paint at home.

Anyone watch House a couple of weeks ago? Why is it that every episode of House Multiple Sclerosis is mentioned? AND, last week's episode was maddening. You can't rip out a cochlear implant out of one's head. Forget about "suddenly learning to hear or repair the cochlear implant". It does not work like that. The season finale was kinda ..... wow.

Tomorrow, Home Sweet Home.

I've seceded from Texas!

Okay I'm in Texas and it's HOT, HUMID, and I miss winter. Where's the snow? I see the guy skiing around on my blog but obviously old man winter is not here. I doubt he ever visits Texas.

My ship is sinking. I dunked my toes in the swimming pool yesterday but had no swim suit. I was sorely tempted to dive in, clothes and all. Harrumph. I DID see a bathing suit I wanted in the newspaper but noooooooooooooo, I have no money for bathing suits, summer clothes and what not. When I told mom that on MSN she said "What are you talking about, you can borrow my clothes?"

But mom...you don't wear shorts or tank tops. Or capris. I'm the one sweating, you're the one that's cold. I hate heat, you love heat.

Imagine what she would say if I said "Mom, you can wear my shorts, tank tops and capris since you are so hot" if the situation were reversed. I think she would RUN FOR THE HILLS. So there. That's my answer and I'm sticking to it.

My ship sunk like the Titanic. I'll be home shortly but that does not solve my wardrobe malfunction problem.

Maybe Clinton (of Stacey and Clinton fame "What not to wear") will come thru and declare me a winner. I did slave over my essay. He WAS smirking at me when I applied for the makeover which must be a good sign. Winners are announced in August in Denver. Let me win! Let me win! Let me....wait....summer will be OVER then!!! Pooey.

All aboard, we're going to Mexico but your bags are full of fur coats, thick sweaters, UGG boots and NO YOU CANNOT TAKE THEM OFF!!!

The Mom Song

This song on youtube cracked me up! My daughter and I shared laughter over it and I hope all of you enjoy it as much as I did.

Speaking of being "home", it feels decidedly odd. There is no sense of "home". NONE. I guess you cannot go back home when your Dad dies and your mother moves. I miss my Auntie Sue and Uncle Jewette, Tracy, Tony, and my cousins in Florida. My family has changed.

CHANGE OF TOPIC:

I see a big problem on the horizon. I'm JEALOUS. Yup, jealous. For the first time, actually.....

My daughter and mother have WAY MORE CLOTHES than I do. That's what I get for being careful with finances. Pffffft. I see it is getting me nowhere, being *careful* with finances. I'm wearing her pants, (she's a tiny thing now) and her tank top (whoops, don't anyone get me on webcam) and I found a bathing suit I realllllly want. (okay..... saw it in the newspaper) But can I afford it? NO. NO. NO! It's from DILLARD'S. Pffft. I have no summer clothes. I'm not wearing my mother's clothes nor will my daughter let me steal hers so that means I have to get creative here. And fast. Maybe I'll sell my mother's new computer she just bought herself. HA!

I feel like death warmed over (what is that- a reheated body?? okay, getting morbid here) and since I only brought two outfits and one's my gym outfit (well..it is HOT in Texas!) And NO...I do NOT have the swine flu. I am sorta outta sorts as she picked up a hospital based flu and d'oh, I had to share the fun with her. I have lost more weight since my jeans are falling down but my gym clothes, well you can tighten the waistline to keep them up. I guess I'll wear those back home and leave the dropping jeans.

Does Medicare buy you clothes?

Texas Women don't like to spin!

I'm tending to my ill daughter and wondering what the heck is wrong with her. I think they let her out the hospital too soon. I do not know what to think- and her doctor appointment is not until Wednesday. Tonight she seems a little worse for the wear and I *thought* she was supposed to be improving by now but her coughing is horrendous. I am worn out. Mainly mentally.

Hanging on for dear life ain't as much fun as it used to be that's for sure. I really want to go on a picnic up in the mountains or sit on a bench somewhere and talk about all the goofy people walking by. .

I hate Texas. It's too hot. It's too humid....and the drivers here are nutty as wheat berries.

I did pick up a book at the airport that seems kinda interesting but I can't get to it. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society..... has anyone read it? I prolly should have just grabbed the cliff notes. If there is anything I like it is sweet potato pie. I haven't had any in about forty years so I'm way overdue. I don't even know how to make it.

"You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."- Dilbert

I have that thought IMPRINTED on my forehead as I forge ahead with school and *stuff* and ........ I can't say more here. Pffffft.

And on Monday I have THREE appointments. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I want some silly fun.

Be back later

I have to go to Texas tomorrow- my daughter needs me.

Toddles, folks.

House of Cards

I don't know what I want to say
but I do know I want
a
vacation by the sea

I feel very healthy but everyone around me is crumbling down like a house of cards. I am getting emails from people asking me to help them out of their woes since I got out of mine and am doing well. But- dear readers, I don't know how to help YOU.

I don't have magic potions in my cupboard that will tell you how to get this or that. Nor do I have a "list of agencies" to contact. Vocational Rehabilitation is one place to start. That entails giving up your "Ticket to Work" and going back to school or training. The other agencies I found on the INTERNET and emailed them. I explained my situation and they showed up. It was that simple. Really. It is not different with another illness. Right now I have a lot on my plate and helping YOU right now (I have about 20 readers asking for help!) I can't do. I have to do things like fill out forms for agencies. I do know if you have no income, you can get Medicaid. That's QMB. Take your income tax statement, heck take a binder with every document you possibly have (mine is in a BINDER) and have it labeled. I have mine ready to give to the attorneys for the next legal battle. UGH.

I suppose I am being a little selfish. I want to get back to happier things, like playing, studying, reading, little trips to ticky tacky houses on the hillside and yes even dating. I don't want to deal with fixing everyone's problems. That might sound mean but if I can climb out of an abyss with no help, so can you.

Life is always a journey. Seek what you are looking for and you shall find it. Like my friend on the other side of the world said in so many words, you have to break down the problem (remove the emotion) and address the issue. Fix it. Deal with the emotional part later and then you are finished. That's what I'm doing. Think of it as an outline.

A. Need insurance?
1.) make a binder of all pertinent documents. use dividers.
2.) take tax statements to social security
B. Need attorney?
1.) find who does legal aid
2.) find who does pro bono
a.) attorneys are now being laid off en masse, so many are taking on pro bono work
b.) since I have three potential cases, I have eager attorneys. I don't pay unless they win.

Get the picture? Just keep going with the Outline with YOUR NEEDS. Your needs are probably different from MY NEEDS. I hope this helps. It is all I can do right now for those of you who email me for help. Please understand...I'm not being mean but my plate is FULL.

You do attract what you look for. I'm NOT talking about health issues. Be vibrant. Seek out exciting things. Of course when you are sick (like BrainCheese) you are entitled special whining privileges but Cheese whines in a way that makes us all laugh...and then some. And we all congregate (sorry Cheese) around her with positive vibes and root for her. I guess I'm saying I like the way Cheese "whines". That's the way to whine. It's funny. My BF with MS and I do the same thing. We whine the same way. With laughter. I suppose if we didn't have to drive home we'd have a Martini at lunch but I digress.

Back to helping yourself. You have to be willing to put up with AGENCIES. It is intrusive. This week alone I'm waiting for the SHEEP or is it SHIPP counselors to get back to me on which supplemental I'm to get but I'm not waiting for them. I'm going down to Social Security with my binder (all I need is my tax statement and divorce decree because I figured out that this year I did not make enough money to pay for a supplemental (HA!) and can get QMB. Woot! Next year it will be a different story. I have bought myself some time. I'm taking care of that today before some nimwit slams her car into me and whoopsie-daisy, I have a hospital bill with a 20% deductible. Oy vey. Besides my name is WRONG under MediHell.

Speaking of names, I don't know how many trips I made to DMV (driver's license place) and yeah I'm going AGAIN today to take someone else who had the wrong documents tooooo but let me 'plain. At the Chapel Hills Mall DMV they demanded I had to have my birth certificate or my name would be Sherry Turner Turner. What the..... I said no it would not be! Look at my certified divorce decree. NOPE. It's WRONG. I am so peeved...I know my blood pressure is probably boiling. I find my birth certificate and go to another DMV. Well, this one didn't even WANT my birth certificate. WHAT???? They said "Your divorce decree is sufficient."

It takes a lot of work to be me, remember? The only way out of a mess is to climb out of it and use humor or you will end up grumpy, old and cranky. That's not to say I do not have my share of bad days. Yesterday was a BAD day. Today I feel better despite my chronic nightmares. I refuse to talk about my nightmares. :p All you internet pseudo-psycho-psychologists will scare me with your *interpretations*. *HA*

I am concerned about my daughter but she does not want me to fly down and yes it hurts- but that's her answer and I'm going to live with it. She will NOT collapse my house of cards, as frail as it is. All I did was tell her I love her and that her decisions impact my mommy-heart so keep that in mind. She's out of the hospital now and needs further treatment. Not going to talk about THAT either. I have to respect her privacy.

Toddles! And do something about YOUR situation if you are one of the readers asking

Brain Cheese: I'm Just Not Here Like I Used To Be...

Brain Cheese: I'm Just Not Here Like I Used To Be...

I know that feeling. My head's gonna explode. It's not my MS. My daughter is very ill. If it's not one thing it's something else. Now BrainCheese not where she needs to be either. I feed off her humor like a lemming. Thanks for the lyrics, Cheese. Great song. Saying a sad song is "great" sounds like an oxymoron.

I'm not where I want to be either. My life certainly took some unlikely detours. Especially last night. I had to write my VIS and it was hard with my daughter on my mind. Tomorrow I have to add up the damages and submit the charges. GREAT. I can't even add! Oh. My 'puter can.

I just saw a news ad saying "News 5 takes a Vacation". Tailfeathers. Channel 5 goes on VACATION???


If I went on vacation today I'd probably end up HERE. This Smurf is BLUE today. BLUE. See? BLUE. I mean..BLUE. And it's not from ink.

I want a vacation. I miss the ocean. How can it cover 71% of the earth (or so) and be so far away from me?

Heck...I'd settle for a picnic by a stream.

She's in the hospital and...

I'm tired of all this krap.
She will be in the hospital 2-3 days. No health insurance.
HIPPA keeps me from getting information even tho I'm her mother.


For pete's sake...do I have to
DRIVE down there to get information on my own child?

Stupid Krap,
that's what I say.

Brain Cheese: Out To Lunch...

Brain Cheese: Out To Lunch...

Our beloved Cheese needs some help.... I can think of lots of choice cuss words to pass along to her but dare I?

My daughter...

Just when you think everything is going good, the phone call comes. Her doctor wants her to go to ER and be admitted. She either has pancreatic disease, gallbladder issues or something I refuse to contemplate. She has no health insurance.

I sit and wait.

Mother's Day came early....

My son is going to England tomorrow for a month and stopped by to give me a mother's day card.
Inside he wrote:

2009 has been a hard year!
unemployment is at 10%,
taxpayers are bailing out banks
and china is buying U.S. debt.

At least we have each other!
Mom, I want you to know that although
we have all been tested this year,
the worst is behind us and HAPPY TIMES
are ahead.
You have a strong and vibrant spirit;
project it out into the world
and you will attract the right things
into your life!

Thank you, my son.

Firestone!

Well apparently Firestone knows me fairly well. I *do* go there often since I get screws drilled in my tire. Either that or I'm just lucky I guess. This time I saw it before it went flat. So there!

I'm one lucky screw collector. LOL. They all end up on the right side of the Jeep. Why is that I wonder...never on the left side. The right side has been *attacked* four times.

We hung up a picture! YES! A picture! Woot! YES!

There was a line last night on Grey's Anatomy (okay...I 'fess up, I love that girlie, girlie show, we all have our vices) that said something along the lines of sometimes a perfectly ordinary day turns out to be the most important day of your life and you do not see it coming. That is so true. You wake up thinking that it is going to be a normal day and something big comes along and changes everything you thought you knew to be true.

Today I am fine, happy, healthy and am ready for the next chapter of my life.

SCHOOL!

Well...I still have 37 more boxes to unpack. LOL.

All's well in Estrogen land

My daughter is okay. She does not have Hepatitis. I had to use spelchek for that word and she is much better. Maybe she ate too many carrots I do not know. Why she was yellow and fatigued is anyone's guess but at least it wasn't MS. She was ill for two weeks maybe, maybe she was swined-flu'ed. All is well. I am much relieved.

I ran away this afternoon and got my hair FIXED. Now I look like me again. No more of that curly sheep butt hair. What an embarrassing sight I was. I think I am enjoying talking about normal topics again.

The social worker came by this morning as promised and I have signed up for several programs. I'm to get myself to Social Service and back to Voc. Rehab. to finalize school plans. Perhaps tomorrow I can finish straightening out my name problem with Social Security.

I realized tonight that I had really been out of touch with tee-vee when Extra or was it Entertainment Tonight came on and I did not recognize any of the *STARS* they were gossiping about. For some reason I thought it funny...I've been too busy to be "in the know".

39 boxes to go!

The estrogen is flying....

I come home from a fun outing to find myself in the middle of a mini-crisis. Quill, the dying dog had pooped all over the new place. Then my daughter called. She is on the way to the ER.

My heart stopped. Again. The last time I saw her was when my Dad died three years ago. Yes folks, it has been that long.

She is apparently jaundiced and nauseated. I don't like anything I have read online. My dying dog is losing control of his bowels. Okay. We're getting closer to that time.

Breathe in, breathe out. One day at a time. I feel strong about everything except my children.

I took it out on every female around me and then some....and I ended it with the statement I guess the estrogen is flying.

I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm going to tackle my hair. It's as curly as a sheep's butt and I don't look like me anymore. At least that will take my mind off my daughter's liver. Staring at the phone does not help.

Scared

My daughter is having some problems. She called today and of course the word no mother wants to mention came up in the back of my head. I do not want to go there. Her vision is funny. She feels extremely fatigued. Gravity is pulling her down, she says.

I can't think about it. NO. I cannot. NO.

Phone, check! Lipstick, check! Stun gun, check!

Imagine my sheer panic when my phone was lost. Luckily I had one number saved as "MOM" so that was KEY. All my other numbers are under aliases. Ha. They are hilarious...especially when I have to SHOW the numbers to certain "people".

He called MOM and that took care of the problem. I got out of a box and zoomed over to get it and hugged him (I would have kissed him BUT I did not think it necessary) I gave him a twenty for his efforts and he told me where he found the phone. Ahhhhhhhh. Makes sense now. It won't go on a belt clip ever again! I am used to carrying my phone in my hand or clipped on my jeans for protection. Pfffffft on clips! Really- do they hold my hair in place? NO. Why do I think my phone will stay put???

Next week I will be on QMB so that will take care of this year's prescriptions. I did get a GREAT neuro report!!!

I do not have to return to the Neuro for some time. Wheeeeee....

Oh. My sleeping problem? It's starting to fade away. Like everything else. Wheeeeeeeeeee.....

Funny story- it was raining yesterday and I was walking Gini in the rain. Yes. IN. THE. RAIN. She's a Daschie. SHE HATES RAIN. So do I...unless I'm dancing in the rain. LOL. I had to take my implant off. I had no makeup on, my hair was curly as a poodle's butt (and frizzy as well) plus I felt like I had not showered in days. Moving does that to you.

Anyway- a man and his son walked by and said "Moving in"? Yes, I mumbled.... "You look wet and tired". Yes, I mumbled. (where are you going with this convo, Mister?) "WELCOME TO THE COMMUNITY" he said....and he and his son gave the biggest smile before they took off.

Huh. Nice. Then I met the neighbors next door. Her husband is dying and (oh no! not another dying person near me!) but she was sweet. Jeff came over and installed the miniblinds because I said I wasn't sleeping in a bedroom with everyone watching me.

Jeff's the miniblind guy so do not go around spreading rumors. Ha. I will do that all by myself.

Emma Peel is peeling out

Any Emma Peel fans out there? Since the Dialing for Dollars show is really not worthy of mention (oops) I thought I'd talk about Emma Peel. When I was little it took some doing to watch that show. Mom and Dad deemed it too naughty for me to watch. It must have come on a weekend night because the only time I could watch it was on Mom and Dad's "date night" - they thankfully went out come hell or high water every single weekend. That is probably why they remained married and I got to watch The Avengers and learn about the birds and the bees. That is my theory and I'm sticking to it. Our babysitter and I struck up a deal. He would let me watch The Avengers as long as I did not tell my parents he had his girlfriend over. Then my brother and I would creep into the kitchen/dining room and watch them make out. HA. That was the first time I remember Let's Make A Deal. I'm on a roll with tee-vee puns. I guess I'm channeling my grandmother right now. FYI: Joke....I don't channel. Instead, I Spy. Oy vey. I'm on Route 66 today. It must be the ear worms theme song (Little Boxes, ticky-tacky houses..) from the Weeds show.

Now funny things are going on at the house. I have Agent Keel on speed dial just in case. People are parked outside my house for hours at a time. Am I that interesting? If so, maybe I should call 20/20 and let them know. Those 15 minutes of fame go by quickly. I distinctly recall asking for vacation time after appearing on the Sonny Melendrez Morning Show on Magic 105 to discuss the perils of dating but see where it got me. Or maybe they're waiting for my garage sale. But geeeeeeez. I said I would advertise. Goodness folks.

A random thought before I get to my point. I want a crab cake. In the shell. When I was little, we used to have seafood salad served in gorgeous giant oyster bowls. Mom sold them in a garage sale. I haven't yet forgiven her for that one. On Facebook they are talking about Maryland Crabcakes. Holy crabcakes. Ohhhhh.... change of topic. Sorry. And salsa dancing. Found a place off W. Colorado Avenue that teaches it. YUMMY-O. I want to go. The first winter after I moved back here with the one BrainCheese keeps ...well nevermind what she keeps saying .... anyway, we all went to a bellydancing show. Oh. My. Goodness. Gracious. I never forgot it but ever since then I've wanted to take bellydancing or Salsa dancing. There was one blonde there (a newbie) who was distinctly nervous about her skills but I was enthralled. I'd betcha the family farm she was recently divorced. I recalled thinking that at the time and talking about her a LOT that night. She was coming out of her shell. What am I trying to say here...ohhhh crab cakes! Shells! Salsa! I think I said I want to eat crab cakes and dance. There. Took a whole darn post. Gosh.

Back to peeling out. My back is unraveling at the seams. My son says I do not lift correctly. He is correct about that. I took back meds and my back feels FINE NOW. But no Sherry, sit down.

I don't feel especially creative today. I want a vacation.


I am ready to do THIS...and this.

Thank you Herrad

When I finish moving...

I will pay it forward!

Clockwork Tomatoes

I called the utility company to have the utilities shut off on a certain date (and nooo...not soon) and cracked up when she told me to "blow out the pipes after pouring antifreeze thru them...." What does that mean?

I don't even know how to BLOW OUT (or did she say blow it up?) a house full of pipes, much less get anti-freeze in them (it snowed yesterday or was it two days ago?) so I told her to call the last account owner and tell that person to do it. Do I look like a PLUMBER??? I wanted to throw tomatoes at her thru the wireless phone but I knew technology had not quite caught up to that level yet.

By the way I'm on packing break. I'm wearing a realllllly cool Tom Petty t-shirt. It's my daughter's. I'm keeping it. HA! She'll never know. She does not read my blog. I guess if she does I will find out very quickly. LOL.

I made sure to have XYZ company come to install the tee-vee as WEEDS starts a new season very soon and I'm soooo excited. It runs only in the summer and of course I must watch that Nancy Botwin. She has moxie. Most of it extremely illegal but what I like about her is her ability to always land with her feet planted firmly on the ground, some how...some way.

She makes a lot of mistakes tho. Oh does she ever! It is okay to make mistakes. If you disagree, go listen to some youtube and chill out. LOL.

Lyrics for deaf:

Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of ticky tacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same
There’s a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they’re all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.


And the people in the houses all went to the university
Where they were put in boxes and they came out all the same,
And there’s doctors and there’s lawyers, and business executives
And they’re all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

And they all play on the golf course and drink their martinis dry,
And they all have pretty children and the children go to school
And the children go to summer camp and then to the university
Where they are put in boxes and they come out all the same.

And the boys go into business and marry and raise a family
In boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same.

- Theme song on
Weeds
The Showtime Series
(yay! almost time for a return!)

And no.....this is not an ad....really. Pffffft.

So. Listen here. Really. *blowing raspberries" That about sums it up.

I finally have PLAN D! It's under the wrong name with social security - but details, details. All in good time. Now to find a Supplemental...like tomorrow or something. I had to get everything certified for the occasion.

Two raspberries today. Double jeopardy. Two documents. Good grief. I asked if they could certify me. I think he's heard that joke one too many times- W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R.

I'm too busy to think. Toes up.

Moving vs Swine Flu?

I think I'd rather tackle Swine Flu. At least today.

I have no time to even PEE.

Later, gators.

Now I remember why red toenails...

Two days ago I uploaded the red toenail picture (see below) because well...I had a REASON. Then I promptly forgot the reason. Figures, huh? Last night I remember why. Yes my sweeties....I was sleeping. I seem to solve problems in my sleep (which probably is why I can't sleep but my sleeping pills are working. FINALLY.

I suddenly realized I had no summer clothes! No shorts. No capris. No cute whimsical skirts. No sandals. (well...I have peep toes, what female doesn't?) But no summer clothes? How did THAT happen? Some gremlin stole my clothes....*my eye is on my daughter* but since she is not here to defend herself I can't accuse her.

I distinctly remember HER AND I shopping for summer clothes and we agreeing that we'd share and care but then she moved back to Texas to care for my dying Dad. I think *our* clothes left with her.....harrumph.

Mom said they were coming with a van for her stuff? W.H.A.T.???? A van? HEY! Maybe she's returning my clothes! *giggles*

Summer's coming. ACK! What will I wear?

Since I've been demoted from Dillard's to Wal-Mart (LOL) I shall have to see what Wal-Mart offers. I know Target has zip. They tend to specialize in sizes such as minus five. I am not skinny nor fat, I'm your average American woman. YAY. I was told to enter the Macy's makeover contest (I had to write an essay) being held in Denver (but NOT until August!!!) so I did. Since it was interactive, I told Clinton (ya know...of the Clinton and Stacy fame?) to quit smirking at me.

He was smirking! When they got to the sizes portion and was asked what was my biggest problem I had to laugh. I honestly...do not know my size. My clothes are too big. Or too small. Or my boobies fall out. Or they fall in. Or my jeans fall down. They don't fall up tho. See why I need to win? LOL.

The reason for this problem is BETASERON. I'm not on it anymore but my last shopping "spree" was three years ago. Now I have hand me downs, hand me ups, hand me thats and this. In other words, nothing really fits. My size has size problems. 'cept for my feet. It's a standard size. Yay! Peep-toes r Us!

I texted Kallie and said "Are you still coming?" and she said you bet. I will have to steal her away and see if I can find a few quarters in the Spurs piggy bank for some clothes. GEEZ. This is nuts. Then I can paint my toenails red again. See? I had a reason for that picture...Ha.

My pharmacist said if I came tonight around 8 pm (what???) he'd help me pick out a Plan D so I can stop paying COBRA. Holy cow...put my life in his hands? Thud....

Packing! Moving! Packing! Moving! Packing!

Ya! I made a basket!

There. I feel better. So many people are involved in this process it is unbelievable. I am grateful to them...so grateful. The house is already telling me goodbye. Things are collapsing around me and breaking down. Something is wrong with the electrical wiring. I suspect I have found the real reason Gini repeatedly gets sick here.

It is time to go. Unfortunately the move takes place over two to three weeks..... yikes.

It's like rock climbing
for the first time

Of course I've lived alone before. For many, many years...that is not what I'm concerned about at all. I am mainly concerned about Daisy. My soul cat. She's gone. I had to sweat and cry that one out this afternoon.

I wasn't planning to talk about Daisy but- it was stunningly odd. The woman I gave her to arrived when the other one didn't show up. A lovely redhead walked in- and hey you...! You have red hair too? Daisy was of course hiding. We got to talking and .....get this. She has MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS. She's on Rebif. What??? Run, people...run!

Is MS contagious????

Got MS?

And you know what? Mud puddles! And flippity flaps!

The reason I say that is because it is all about ATTITUDE sometimes. Yeah I know at times it is a deeeeeeeeep mud puddle that pulls you forever and ever but when it comes to Medicare I just can't figure out what I'm to do about that. I need to make a decision now.

NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.

What's so funny is I am a very decisive person when it comes to finances, money and all that rot. I have a good head on my shoulders. Staying out of debt is my mantra and pray to the plastic gods I do not do. But Medicare or Medihell as I prefer to call it I cannot comprehend. I *think* I am smarter than a 5th grader but I dunno about that game show I profess not to watch.

Right now I'm talking about my wallet. Seriously. I cannot afford $600 a month in COBRA. Can anyone? Well, maybe some of you can. I'm depleted. But even my pharmacist says "I do not know which one is best..." but they say I do indeed fall into the infamous donut hole.

Sooo many donut holes....

COBRA is draining me dry. But what the floppily-flop. (wait- I usually say flippity-flop! I've changed! Again!) I'll survive somehow. I've made it this far haven't I? I always land on my unaltered feet. Ha. I read something on binded feet and thought "WOW I'm lucky, indeed." See. Attitude. I'd rather have MS than binded feet. Landing right side up is a skill I've learned from my diminishing live cat collection.
The last sweetie leaves tomorrow and NO I refuse to discuss it. She was my soul cat. I will be cat-less tomorrow. Back to ...whatever it is I'm blathering on about...please do not email me about Daisy. She is alive and well but I do not want to be asked about her. Thank you. Really. Please. I do not want to discuss it. At. All.

Donut holes. What a conundrum. I'm too young for this, too old for that. Too rich for this, too poor for that. I'm being Obamatized. I'm traumatized. Or is that lobotomitized?

No one, I mean no one has the answer.

I give up. Toes up!

Got poked four times today and not by FB either...

Did I not say it takes four hearing people to listen to one deafie? I had to go to the doctor this morning for some reason (oh yeah, a blood test) and I told her which vein to use. Being fair and without any veins gives phlebotomists a pause when they turn into vampires. Truly it is easy to take my blood. Just use the vein I tell you works. But nooooo...she wants to pick mine. Oy vey. I'm used to collapsing veins and needles. Go ahead, honey.

Her *choice* collapsed. I knew it would...it always does...Sigh. I said "That's okay, I have another vein" and if she blows this one, I'm done for. Either she really did not like that one or she didn't like being shown which vein to use. But bother her it did...and it showed.

'Twas the slowest draw ever. Butterfly needle and all. Poor girl was shaking like a leaf too. I did refrain from saying "I told you so" (point was made, why say it) and next time she'll use that vein. Okay, that's two pokes thus far.

Poke number three was my Copaxone and since robin eggs were hatching everywhere (no, not from FB either) I had to use my arm. YIKES. I hate, hate, hate those. I rarely do arms or thighs. That leaves my butt and belly... I don't manually inject arms -come on...who can reach over like THAT blonde vixen in the Copaxone DVD who repeatedly stabs herself over and over again (it's photoshopped, I swear) I used the AutoInjector and screamed as the Drano went in.

I fondly call it the AutoInflector, Sr.

That was Poke number three.

Poke number four was the injectable B-12 I stole (oops, borrowed) from a friend. (it's not returnable) An experiment shall we call it? Report forthcoming!

My PCP thinks I have anemia becuz of my bruising along with a possible B-12 deficiency. Plus I don't eat right. Yeah, yeah, yeah..I know. I'm nutritionally challenged. It's not my fault however. So there.


After being poked I went to Gunther Toodys (hey- I have four of their stools! yay!) and my favorite waitress was on duty again. She's going to cosmetology school and she is soooooo sassy. I love the way she toots her horn. I have a point to make here but believe it or not I forgot it. HUM. I had this photo uploaded already but- but - but - I can't remember why. Maybe I'll remember tomorrow.

Such is the mind of an MS'er.

Phil Keoghan Rides America: Ride Across America - DAY 22: Meeting Michael

Facebook | Videos of Phil Keoghan Rides America: Ride Across America - DAY 22: Meeting Michael

Is this video not inspiring?????? Next year I want to walk the Five Mile Walk for MS. I owe them a big favor this year.

79DB8C6B-A968-FE9F-F323-430759E7DE22

1.02.28

Atrophied brains???

A few days ago I received an OVERSEXED whoops...OVERSIZED (let's say it's almost poster sized) brochure from Shared Solutions on brain atrophy. Not one copy but two copies on the same day. Two separate mailings.

The reason I said OVERSEXED is because the brochure had a bit too much estrogen mixed in the brochure. Ya know...a wild one-sided coupling (wait...one-sided coupling?) yes dears...me and my not-to-be-atrophied brain with a brochure big enough to wallpaper two bathrooms. Pffft. I'm not atrophied upstairs. I'm atrophied perhaps in my wallet but I digress. I'm good at managing my finances even if I have none.

I suppose they wanted me to know without question that I need to read (or see) a poster size brochure on brain atrophy. Not once, but twice. In one day. As if I would not understand the first time. Read it twice, Sherry. TWICE. Hear that? TWICE.

For pete's sake. I'm a to-be-student. I don't have brain atrophy and I don't plan on developing it. Ever heard of the saying, "use it or lose it?" I did lose mine once but I found it in the secret place all lost socks go.

Where all lost socks go!

Quit sending me depressing stuff. I am eliminating all negative vibes- and that includes atrophied brains. Ye Gods. I have things to do.

First- I thought they are telling me Copaxone was being recalled due to brain atrophy since everything is being recalled and they wanted to make sure I read it. Seriously. I mean...they have recalled TOMATOES (whoops, it was the wrong fruit) but then I was offended when they were informing me it could be a symptom of MS. HELLO? I have MS. Did I sign up for MS School? NOPE. Everyone who has been diagnosed with MS knows about this. The lucky ones do not dwell on it. We push ahead and jump in the pond and swim with the sharks. A few nibbles never hurt. Try not to bleed tho because a feeding frenzy will start.

It takes a lot to offend me but don't insult my only brain. I was born with it and unlike my other organs, I can't have a brain transplant. I wouldn't be me, would I? Hmmm...that leads to an interesting question.

Suppose you have MS with lesions in your brain and some nutty doctor say in some unfathomable country decides to transplant a brain because he wants to experiment on the issue of MS plus he's nuts. Does "said patient" still have MS? No? (yes...I know "said patient" would no longer be the "said patient" again, but would suddenly be "patient B".

Makes you think? No? If not, you are atrophied. LMAO.

Thinking....

I have MY pirate story to share!

Funny- my cousin pops up as anonymous (she's Stacie) this morning and leaves a comment about going to the Nine Inch Nails concert. Nothing about going lobster diving. You'd think she would. But nooooooo....she talks about NIN.

My Dad and her dad are brothers. She was a surprise child...I hear she was to her sisters too- they found out they were acquiring a fifth sibling when their mother and daddy said "bye, we're off to the hospital, mommy's in labor" or something to that effect. I guess they were resigned to the fact they were going to have a fifth daughter and they might as well get it over with.

That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. Had she been a Hal Turner, Jr. I would have heard about him THAT NIGHT.

I did not even know she existed until she was at least walking! Or was it when she entered first grade? I said, "Who is Stacie????" Mom said, "Your cousin, Sherry." I said "I have a cousin named Stacie??? And where did she come from?" Mom said "the usual way, Sherry." Mom swears up and down (now come clean, mom) that she did not say that but she did.

Believe what you want.

Now the significance of this is important. See, I am close to my Aunt and Uncle, especially my Uncle Hal. Uncle Hal and my Dad were inseparable. So as you can imagine not knowing I had a cousin named Stacie was indeed....a shock. LMAO!

Oh- I said "am close". Our fathers are deceased, and so is my Aunt but they are still close in our hearts. Just stick with the pirate story. K? Don't confuse me. I can do that by myself even with a GPS telling me where to go. They are often wrong, did you know that??? And yes I have a GARMIN. Being deaf and kinda hearing something mumble "TURN RIGHT ON ACADEMY BLVD" - did you say what I think you said? Lemme double-check while driving wearing polarized lenses- while driving- I digress. Again.

Back to lobsters and Stacie's lack of commenting on my willingness to lobster dive...either she thinks it is like eating toast or drinking milk (which is quite possible, given that she lives, breathes and lives in a humid state like Florida which does have its share of lobsters, both of the homarus americanus and homo sapiens variety as well as alligators and hanging chads) or she ignored it because it bored her silly. However it reminded me of a dream I had- last night!

Poor Stacie has heard this story a million times. Her sisters and I, along with my brother and lucky me stumbled upon a pirate chest one hot sunny day in Clearwater, Florida. In it we found jewels, chocolate, (wow...still edible, my dad declared) pennies, nickels, special treats for all of us to eat. Of course we were led to it by a pirate's map found by none other by her DAD.

For the longest time I thought it was a real pirate's chest. I did.

Such is the innocence of a child. Hey you. Do that with your two kiddos! Maybe that's why I had a dream about them last night. Then send me a picture and I'll post it on my blog. I'm dreaming of lobsters and you're talking NIN!!!

Got MS?

I overslept for the first time in a lonnnnng time and missed my morning appointment for my lab work (guess those new sleeping pills worked for a change) and would have slept longer had Gini not woken me up. I knew she needed to go to the bathroom but I grabbed a few more winks by holding holding on tight to Gini Ginobili as I knew she wouldn't dare pee or poop on me. Or would she? She didn't. Ha.

I saw a custom Jeep hitch cover for the first time yesterday- it simply said Got Snow? and I immediately wanted one. Not necessarily that one although it was pretty nifty. Where have I been? I never saw a custom Jeep hitch cover before...talk about a way to make a personal statement without anyone noticing. Ha. Never saw one before in my life. I was stuck in traffic and happened to see it. Usually I'm trying to avoid hitting other cars.
That got me to thinking...imagine my Jeep hitch with Got MS? HA! Bet everyone would notice my personally made custom Jeep hitch cover! Then the disability police patrol would B.A.C.K A.W.A.Y, wouldn't they? *giggles* The one thing about having MS is everyone says "But you don't look like you have MS...." so how come you have HC Parking? Are you in it for your deafness? But then they would complain I don't act deaf.

I can't please anyone anymore, can I.

A nutty day so hand me the pine nuts.

First things first. Gini's nose. The black covering peeled away last night on top to my horror. I had already quit giving her the antibiotics because I figured she was having an allergic reaction to them. This morning I arrived with her and of course I asked if I should move in....they are absolutely wonderful people. Not only did they not charge me for the visit, they issued me a credit. That was nuts. I told them that. I said I'd volunteer to work for them after my move. "We'll see", he said. "How annoying", I said. He laughed and laughed. I did return the Cipro. They refilled Quill's morphine. Unlimited now.

I *will* do my volunteer work there because I think it's only right.

If there are any Colorado Springs readers needing vet services please let me know. I want to refer you to my vet because they deserve it.

Then *I* went to the doctor. I knew I would need a new PCP since my current one will not take Medicare since the powers-that-be decide who I see and not who I want to see. I went to one of the few in town that accepted Medicare. Oh- here's a secret....if you MS'ers can't find a Medicare Dr., go to ER...by law they must refer you to a physician for a follow-up! Presto! You have a doctor!

Uh-oh. I have a post-concussion syndrome. He wants me to see an ENT and referred me to my very own cochlear implant doctor. Small world. The problem is my implant creates a *starburst artifact* if I have a cat scan so they cannot see the area they want to see but that's where the injury is. He prescribed a script for vertigo. I am to return in a week. Flippity flap.

Gini is still on baby food. At a dollar a jar and six servings a day plus Quill's $70 a bag food it's a cosmic joke to get a letter from Medicare on the same day saying "You may not be eligible for a subsidy to help pay for your drug plan costs, because your income is above the limit established by law."

So those who know how to manage their money very, very well are penalized. I'm getting a garden tub, going to school and planning on taking scuba diving lessons. Harrumph. Maybe I should run for President.

Nine Inch Nails? Eleven pound LOBSTERS?

I'm going to see Nine Inch Nails this summer with Kallie and NO, my son does not know. Yet. *giggles* Do I know anything about Nine Inch Nails? Nope. Not one blasted thing. HA.

The point is I'm trying to make is to stay young and healthy with MS one must be willing to be be exposed to new experiences and have fun while doing so.

That is my mantra. It always was but somehow it got squashed. I will never let it get squashed again. I am back to being me and my adventures are now mine to claim.

Oh, and skiing! It's free for two if you have MS at many resorts. I know I said it before but it bears repeating. You must have a *note* from your doctor on her/his letterhead saying you have MS (deafness doesn't count) and some resorts give you and your buddy a free pass. We usually can't make it all day.

All I need is my own pair of shorties. (skis) I can still rent but every skier wants their OWN skis. Plus boots. I like the shorties. Kinda hard to ski in while in powder but...decisions, decisions, and more decisions! Of course having MS does not get you free skis. That's okay. Everything in time.

Someone sent me a photo of a LOBSTER caught on a lobster diving expedition. (I blacked out her face for privacy) Those *bugs* are huge. How does one...cook it? Is there a pot big enough? Now I want to get my scuba certification. I am going to inquire about classes since catching a lobster require a scuba tank. Ha- I still have one free airplane ticket. But one can scuba dive in Colorado toooooo... or I can run off and be a Navy Seal and fight pirates. HA. I'll pop up with one of those critters and wave them around at the pirates and .....*pow* *pow* I'm dead. So much for my Navy Seal tactics.

I did go to youtube and found a few interesting facts about catching lobsters with your bare hands. First of all, the *big bugs* have weak pinchers (overcome your fear, fellow MS'ers!) and the babies have stronger ones. Stay away from the babies! You grab 'em by the front end (yeah...the scary end with the big, big eyes and pinchers) and put them in the bag tail first. They swim backwards into the bag and you shut it and run away. Oh wait..that's swim away. Flippers help. A mask too. And prolly a tank...and a warm rubber suit. Born free and die cooked! I love seafood. Click on the youtube video to see the MONSTERS being caught! Now imagine me doing it. Too funny.

Gini is ....doing as well as Gini can do. She went thru a vomit comet session last night with a severe shivering session that scared the **** out of me because I thought she was having an allergic reaction to her medications and couldn't keep anything down. (and Daisy the Maine Coon was all over me all night) so it was Animal Planet hell. Hello animals. I need my sleep. Stop it. I dread giving Gini her meds this morning as she always starts throwing up....if she throws up today I will have to pick up her injectable antibiotics tomorrow. Frak. Giving Gini two injections a day will be like trying to clip her toenails. Ohhhh...my.

The carpet is absolutely in shambles. I can't spotbot as fast as she throws up so I gave up. I wipe as we go, and give silent apologies to the house as well. I can only do so much. The breaker switch popped again, thus throwing the microwave and kitchen appliances out of commission (what's this new wiring problem about anyway?) and I will be happy not to have to deal with that stuff anymore. Now I'll dial the apartment office. You fix it while I'm going skiing. Or to school. Or to scuba school. Or .......? Since I have an implant I will have to find out how deep I can dive. Who knew I would develop an interest? Not I... I've already been searching for dive schools because someone mentioned lobster diving. I want to scuba dive now and become a Navy Seal. Ha.

Happy Sunday. Hope Gini......improves rapidly. That is of paramount importance to me.

So how do you like my new blog layout?

The daschie that lives in my heart....

I don't know what I'm going to do about Gini.

I know that lately all I've done is talk about my daschie, Gini...but this morning she doesn't look good. She threw up again all over the place and looks horrible. Her face is so drawn. Oh my....oh my...the carpet is hopelessly stained and I am NOT steam-cleaning it when I move out so there. I think I've done MY part with this house so that is that. That is the least of my problems but it tells you how much throwing up she is doing.

I simply do not know what to make of this. I want to take her pain away. And the same goes for Quill, my main man. Sick pets break your heart.

The posse arrives next weekend to pack me up. This is the calm before the excitement begins. I cannot wait. Am looking forward to be getting out of this residential place called "home". It is merely a place to house my belongings.

Once unpacked, there are several things I look the most forward to in no particular order:

1.) Soaking in my luxury garden tub- this is on the first night...no one bother me!!!!
2.) Going to the gym, whoot!
3.) Having light housekeeping on a regular basis...free because well...they offered.
4.) Meals delivered from Denver- homemade! No preservatives! Ten a week, plus fresh fruit and milk!
5.) Starting school!!!! Giddy about that one...
6.) PLAYING!!!! Oh that I am doing!

Darn it...will Gini just get WELL so I can stop worrying about her? Quill is enough to worry about. But her too???

Gini is home

Gini is home and finally ate. I gave her some chicken which she yanked out of my hand so we were off to a running start! She played with me for a few minutes but then collapsed in my robe (hahaha, her favorite place) and has been sleeping ever since.

The vet is sooooo nice. He gave me a total of $180 off the second bill and $150 off the first bill. He will back me up when I write Corporate Banfield a letter about their ER doctors....

I'm to let him know in the morning how she's doing. They are being super-aggressive about her as she almost died.

Thanks Tracey. :-D

Gini sleeping with a friend

Gini remains hospitalized. She is supposed to come home tonight at 5:30 pm. This picture was taken of Gini and one of her visiting friends as they napped together on the sofa.

I can't wait to pick her up. I can't wait to hold her.

Oh, the doctor called. My labs showed I have a thyroid imbalance. D'oh. She thought I was on a higher dose but I wasn't...so she upped my synthroid. I should feel the effects in a couple of weeks. Wheee!

When tired, whack a mole

My fatigue has been overwhelming lately and it is not MS related. Of that, I am sure.

Sure I blabber on and on about it on the blog but something inside my gut tells me it's not the MS causing it. When I get a chance to blast out of here and find myself somewhere delightful (such as Copper Mountain) the fatigue is gone.

I think it's the house. Seeing the downed fence, my daschie is still in the hospital, having Monroe die only a week ago- and fired lawyers fighting/arguing with me to allow someone to break PPO until TESSA told them to back off or face disciplinary action.

Why does it take four non-deaf people
to listen to one deaf person?

Texas Tea Parties

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0409/21295.html

I am on a roll tonight with my postings. I can't stop thinking about my daschie so I am distracting myself with politics. It is one thing I cannot figure out so I might as well take a gander at dissecting a viewpoint. Or rather, sharing mine. *neener*

The youtube.com clip at the bottom of the article amused me- I have been adding some Disney songs to my growing youtube collection. My music playlist looks deranged. Everything from Mary Poppins to hard rock. The only thing missing is the Blue Man Group. I suddenly lost interest in them. *delete*

So Rick Perry is now the media darling for hosting a tea party and suggesting Texas secede from the USA. I see his point, but I'd also like to point out that as a Governor he wasn't all that great IMO.

One good speech does not make you a great leader. A bunch of great speeches does not make you a great leader either.

There. I criticized both sides. Still, I am all for tax reform and less government. I better sleep tonight and none of those metallic spiders from Minority Report better clack on me either.

I did get a phone call from my doctor today re: one of my lab tests. Now I know one reason why I can't sleep. My thyroid is outta whack. That's why I'm so tired. Go figure. She said to up my dose to .1mcg and I said I'm already taking that dose....grrrrrr......so the nurse will call me back. No wonder my appetite is gone, gone, gone.

Mud puddles. I swear doctors and vets need a refresher course once a year.

I hear...snow? Wooooooooo!!!!!!!

So Texas is thinking about seceding?

Most of you know I hail from the south, mainly Louisiana and Texas with some Alabama thrown in. Most of my teen years were spent in Texas. There's a saying in Texas, Don't Mess with Texas - it is really the Texas Highway Department's slogan for "don't trash our highways". Talk about being misunderstood. Kind of like we females on occasion.

I saw this today: http://www.statesman.com/news/content/gen/ap/TX_Perry_Tea_Party.html Texas has always been the friendliest place to live but did they have to all move to the hottest place on earth? The song "God Bless Texas" left out the heat index factor. First year I moved back after the kids father and I divorced temps were 113. The Desperadoes were mocking me. This is interesting. Texas... seceding. Truth be told if things keep going the way they are I can see them doing it. LOL.

I feel somewhat political today. My son was feeling political yesterday. He protested in Denver against the potential increase in student tuition fees. I'm protesting because I don't like how I feel our government has suddenly turned into a control freak. Thank goodness we no longer have the family business. I'm still trying to figure out Medicare and because no one - not even my pharmacist can figure out what's best for me I am stuck on COBRA again for another month. Plus I haven't heard from QMB. Another acronym for something important... apparently I want/need it. I've forgotten why.

Back to Gini- the vet just called. They are keeping her overnight. She finally ate some baby food. She's on an IV drip. I'll hear tomorrow if she can come home. Sold the patio set to pay the Vet just in time. Whew......saved by the umbrella stand. Mary Poppins saves the day!

I'm not a problem child...

.....my life is just drawn that way.

I'm determined to have a normal life one way or the other so there.

Gini Ginobili returned to the hospital and they are keeping her for now. She's on an IV drip and they will be trying to get her hydrated via IV drip and eating- when she comes home she will go on injectable antibiotics. Is everyone on injectables now? Good thing I'm trained. I've certainly practiced on myself enough. I'll never forget my "perfect shot". I freaked out and the syringe did a backwards flip and landed right in my thigh. Talk about playing darts with shots! A perfect bulls eye. I went ahead and injected. Now with a dog, you can't do that.

I don't think I've ever felt this empty in a long time. She really added a lot to the household with her sassy attitude. She got that from me according to a friend. Harrumph.

Tracey, thank you for your offer...my vet is giving me a huge discount. He knows of my problems and I'm getting at least 50% off. You are the sweetest thing and I have never met you! Some of my best friends are on the Internet. Isn't that strange? The vets are working around my budget. They KNOW of my situation. I have the best vets in town, I swear...

If everyone doesn't quit dying on me I'm running away to Somalia to be a Navy Seal. At least when I float in the ocean (is it cold over there?) the buoyancy of the ocean will keep me in *bliss*. I've heard of floatation tanks but my son said uhhhh, mom....stick with massage therapy. He tried it but wasn't that impressed.

Now I begin the wait...for the call from the vet.

The saga of Gini...

I am afraid. Gini is not doing well. Back to the vet she goes. I am having to sell things I had not planned to sell to pay for her bill. It is important to keep her alive. She cannot keep her antibotics down and refuses to eat or drink. She is vomiting what appears to be uncooked egg yolks (oh my carpet!) all over the house. The vet said to bring her in and they are putting her on injectable antibotics and an IV pack.

I fear she is dying.

I want to SCREAM.

A faceless pirate

The vet gave me almost 50% off her bill and suggested I write Corporate ER Banfield a nice letter and tell them they misdiagnosed Gini by a mile and to contact him...and ask for a refund. He will back me up if I give them his number. What? You just gave me a problem. I am tired. I'd like a life other than problems.

She is very, very ill. I do not know what I will do. I am not an ombudsman that goes around correcting other people's errors. I think I'd make a better pirate negotiator than an ombudsman. I'm not supposed to be writing a political blog I'll keep those thoughts to myself.

I love this faceless pirate with no expression on her face.

Yet she's saying a lot.

She's taking a look forward with one foot in the future with a blank expression.

Wondering when the biggest problem of the day will be what music I want to listen to, where I want to go play at, what projects I want to work on- not who is dying, who is sick, testifying at trial and why I need to sue this person and that person.

This is a very important post. Not. Sounds whiny if you ask me.

Gini

The vet said he's creating me an emergency pak of injectionable antibiotics for Gini plus sending her home with 5 weeks of ultra strong antibiotics and then she returns for another set of x-rays, then she'll go on a weaker strength antibiotic. She is quite ill.

She has some kind of flaw in the way she drinks water. It makes her cough- I will have to make her drink her water upwards. I'm thinking of teaching her to drink from a hummingbird feeder.

I am so tired. I want something good to happen this week.

Laughing baby

I can't seem to shut up today. This baby on youtube cracks me up!!!

A new blog...

I love this blog- go check it out! http://www.tiarastantrums.com/

What a delightful family.

Five things I won't be able to do again...AND do again!

I saw this on http://www.tiarastantrums.com/ and thought wow. I love her blog name by the way, LOL. Tiaras and Tantrums! Clever. Sounds like a song to me.

Decided to make my own list (stealing ideas by osmosis) but add five things I can do again. :-)

Five things I won't be able to do again:

1. Talk to my father. I miss him. I really, really miss him.
   
2. Talk to my Uncle Hal. He's my father's brother and I miss him a lot too. He had a way of relating to women because he had five daughters.
   
3. Hug my grandmother.
4. Ski black diamonds unless....
5. Take interferon injections. NO. NO. NO. NO.

Five things I will be able to do again:

1. Be happy. (already there)
2. Listen to more music. (already doing it)
3. Being single means I get to choose my own path in life and I love the road I'm on.
4. Be creative again. My creative window was slammed shut for some reason (I allowed it) and I'm reopening it.
   
5. Dance in the rain if I choose to. This entails removing my implant and hearing aid. HA. Sounds better than actually doing it BUT I did it once long time ago and it was very romantic. The rain came suddenly and we took our shoes off and danced in the puddles!
   

In other words I will live my life to the best I can. I do need to get out of this place first. It is driving me nuts.

Wouldn't it be fun...

to take a trip merely to explore these strange buildings and figure out what was in the mind of the designers? I have to admit I really liked some of them. Which ones I'll leave you to your imagination. http://villageofjoy.com/50-strange-buildings-of-the-world/

I'm missing hearing the sound of the ocean.I miss the smell of the ocean. I want to go back and listen to the ocean with my new harmony implant. One day. All things in their time.

My binder is getting very heavvyyyyy. Pretty soon I'll need to buy a wife from Russia just so I can have time to be me. I need a respite. I need to have my fun. I need normal conversation, positive vibes and energetic people around me where the word "It" does not come up. I need to hear about them for a change. They are around me but busy with their lives.

At least I'm going to the Diamondbacks game with my son while I leave my sick dog in tender hands. He went up on his morphine yesterday.

Go Rockies, GO! Come snow, wind or rain!

Tip of the day, yay!

http://askthephotographer.com/2008/11/26/nikon-d3x-momentarily-posted-on-nikons-site/

Nothing to do with MS (yay) but for those who love photography this is a way cool site!

I snapped!

I snapped today.

There. I feel better.

A song that reminds me of our young days and dating. S.A.N.D.Y.........!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: I am talking about dating. Not "It". LOL.

Nightmares

Do you ever go to sleep wondering if you will be awake when you wake up? I know that question doesn't make sense. What I'm saying is I am often scared to go to sleep. Taking off your hearing aid and implant makes the world go quiet. I never thought about it before but I never tasted fear either.

I wonder if I will ever know a normal sleep cycle again. I had an abnormal one in Texas for a long time - then it got back on track. Now it's way, way off-kilter.

That sent me to music. Music can make you calm or antsy...or angsty.

Someone said something about John Denver today. I went to youtube and there were several songs on there that swooshed me back to the 70's...how could I have forgotten him??? If Ever was my favorite song..... so was Annie's Song of course.

I need to update my ipod.

FU Shoes

Women who wear FU Shoes
don't get stressed

Gooooo, Rockies...Gooooooo!

I'm going to go see the ROCKIES take down the Diamondbacks! So if you watch baseball on tee-vee, look for a redhead rooting for the Rockies and booing the Diamondbacks. Sorry Miss Chris. (I couldn't resist)

Todd Helton just melts my heart. I mean my heavens......just look at him.

Coors Field, here we come! Game starts at 1:40pm. Look for me! I'll be waving! Can't miss me! (LOL)

*singing way out of tune* Take me out to the baalllllll field....

Turtles

I knew there was a reason my daughter had such a fondness of all things turtle. She collects turtle-y things. Mine used to be frogs ever since I was a child - I have abandoned frogs. No more frog stuff. I have changed. A lot.

I am much more confident. I am much happier but need to get out of hell. The chronic mess of packing like a turtle requires sticking out your neck and packing up the past.

The frogs are leaving. *croak*

Sleep cycles....

Normally one goes to bed and one gets up. That is a normal sleep cycle. HA.

My sleep cycle looks more like this:

Every time I go to sleep I start dreaming that if I fall asleep or something will happen. Either I didn't give Quill his pain medicine, or I forgot my shot, or I did not do this or that, or some unknown evil entity is running around doing this or that on my behalf without my knowledge.

I feel as if I'm in a video game and I can't get out of it. Wasn't there a movie about a real life person that was pulled into a video game inadvertently? My worst nightmare. Seriously.

I am having one trippy sleep cycle every night. Up and down. Down and up. Toss and turn. Recurring events from the past torture me at night, uninvited guests/ghosts. Pisses me off.

The remaining pets know Monroe is gone. I should have let them say goodbye to Monroe but I did not. Gini was the first to know as she started tracking for Monroe immediately. I had her outside with Quill. Boomerang is hiding. She thinks she's next. No...you're going back to Nicole, your own momma very soon....Robert is coming to get you.

I like to think of Monroe sitting in my Dad's lap. He had a special bond with Monroe. He always said "Sherry, I'm so proud of you for taking in that cat even tho I thought you were a nut for doing it." LOL.

I thought I was nuts too, Pop-a-dop. I know you hated that nickname but you were my Pop-a-dop!

RIP: Monroe

At about two o'clock this afternoon Monroe passed away in my arms.

He will be missed.

I love that cat.

He wasn't comatose after all. He was diabetic.

Fashion Diva?

I have a hunkering to change my appearance.
A LOT.
I don't want to be the old me anymore.
I want new shoes.
New clothes.
A new 'do'.
Even a new wardrobe.

I want a new look to go with the new me.

I will have to see what I can do about THAT.
I sold some stuff to pay some bills.
I have more things to sell.
Time for a new beginning.

Kiss my GRITS

Turns out my social worker is a Louisiana native. :-D No wonder we hit off so well! We "Kiss my GRITS" women know soul food. Grits, hominy, collard greens, black eye peas, fried hot water bread and....ah....the best for last. Blackberry cobbler!

Youtube has a funny April Fool's joke today so if you have an account with them, go check it out. LOL. I admit it thru me for a loop....

A blizzard is on the way? Again? And tomorrow too. Wheeeee...maybe skiing?

The axis of evil have descended

have gathered tonight to create a plan. I have several viruses on my computer (well I do have an updated Norton's, harrumph) and now three ill pets. Monroe has diabetes, Gini has epilepsy and Quill is dying. I have decided to cancel the vet appointment for Gini and call the pet vet euthanasia at home service so I may be with both of them. Gini will be okay for now. She's only had two seizures.

It is a horrible situation but one that has been weighing on me. My g/f today asked me why I was avoiding the unavoidable with Quill. I said the vet said I had a little time...but she asked about his quality of life vs my need to have him around. I know what he was like before. So does she. This is not Quill. Nor is this Monroe.

It feels murderous to ask a vet to come and put TWO of your beloved pets to sleep at the same time. Monroe is old...he is the oldest cat I have. Quill is old too. Gini is young, she has many years ahead of her provided her seizures do not turn out be due to some kind of brain tumor.

I won't be around for awhile.

I think I am having a relapse. In fact, I am quite sure I am having one. And with my limited energy I need to figure a way to get Medicare Part B....God.

A Political Commentary...well, kinda

From http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/26/opinion/26collins.html?_r=1&em a funny, funny blurb jumped out at me:

In summary, there appear to be only two constants in our ever-changing world. One is that Barack Obama is going to be on television every day forever. No venue is too strange. Soon, he’ll be on “Dancing With the Stars” (“And now, doing the Health Care, Energy and Education tango ...”) or delivering the weather report. (“Here we see a wave of systemic change, moving across the nation ...”)

It was funny to me because well, it WAS something I had noticed lately. There is a special morning news show I love to watch at 7am and lately Obama has been giving LIVE speeches thus interrupting my NEWS show - wait, isn't Obama news you say?

Well yes but I've never been preempted by a President on a daily basis. That bothers me as there are other things going on besides OBAMA.

He's interrupting my morning routine. As far as Dancing with the Stars, I can actually see him taking up the offer.

Palin looks HOT. HA. I love the cougars. (Yes...I know...photoshopped. Don't mistake me for a goon)

Snow Angels!

To my dismay the front porch sidewalk, driveway and sidewalk in the yard (somewhere?) were hidden under mounds of snowdrifts. Same situation is in the backyard- Getting out was going to be some job for me. I haven't checked the fence. I don't want to know, LOL. Besides for now, no one can get to it.

But around noon or so Gini and Quill started barking at the door and Kallie and I heard scraping sounds....so I opened it and OMG...the entire neighborhood was snow shoveling my driveway, sidewalk next to the road and up to my door. My Snow Angels!!!! I never saw so many!!

It felt like I was on "Extreme Makeover" if you ask me.

Thank you, Briargate Angels.

Spring Blizzard of 2009

Auntie Em! We're being blown to Kansas by drifting snow!! I wonder how much of the fence will be left up. I saw that the neighbor reinforced the remaining portion with a downed section in hopes of keeping the rest up....but I don't know if in this wind if that plan will work. Gini the daschie is NOT amused when she is told to go outside. Quill is out of morphine and needs a refill. Sigh...he is going up on his dose too.

http://www.gazette.com/articles/snow_50634___article.html/weather_service.html

Mom will be on her way back soon and be here for good. We're having a whole house garage sale. I need the cash. I also don't need this much *stuff*. I have to complete my "homework" for the Voc Rehab. school thing. I am thrilled that my Rehab Counselor came up with a one year training program with a one year internship. I love, love, love this idea. I *do* have my age to contend with so this fast-track thing works perfect for me. Did I say that? My age?

Ohhhhh, Kallie found one window was not locked. The computer room (easy access) was unlocked. I know I checked all the locks so that was another hummmmm. At least we know but as I said...the house is under surveillance.

Oh- a jinx must be on the house. The fuse box blew out an entire section of plugs...(yes I reset it but it didn't help) so the microwave works but only with an extension cord from the plug hidden behind the cabinet wall pulled across the room into another plug. AND...the plugs in the sunroom do not work either. This all a large cosmic joke designed to drive me crazee but it's not working. The future is so bright, even if it requires extension cords. LOL.

A Guide for Global Leadership

One of Kallie's homework assignments: It will be familiar to some but read down....don't look away and say OH I've read this before. I've read it before too

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.

• These are the things I learned.
• Share everything.
• Play fair.
• Don't hit people.
• Put things back where you found them.
• Clean up your own mess.
• Don't take things that aren't yours.
• Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
• Wash your hands before you eat.
• Flush.
• Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
• Live a balanced life - Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
• Take a nap every afternoon.
• When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
• Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
• Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
• And then remember the Dick and Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Source: Robert Fulghum: www.robertfulghum.com

Oh noooooo....

Gini had another seizure a little bit ago. Not only did she have a seizure (her second one) she promptly threw up, pooped and peed all over me. Her seizure lasted a good two minutes and she had no control of her lower body, especially her right side. Right now she is shivering (and it is not cold in the house) under two blankets and will not let me leave her side. I do not know what to think. I called Mom and told her and she is equally mystified.

And oh yes....Gini was terrified. So was I for that matter. I am losing Quill to probable Cushing's but he is an old, lovable man. Gini is a young dog, not ready for the Rainbow Walk. She has been more peevish than usual but I attributed it to all the upheaval in the household. It would make anyone peevish but no it would not cause seizures...and being that this is her second one, and a violent one I am frightened.

I am fearful for her now. The last time the Vet said she needed to see a Neuro because of her swallowing issues and I said I could not afford that. Now seizures....

I need to research for an AGENCY that helps the impoverish take care of their ill pets. Damn it.

Cognitive Issues in MS

One of the advantages you have when your back goes out is you can write your essays and listen to stuff like this while the pain pills kick your brain to the curb.



I relate to every single thing she said. Eerie, eh? And you're going back to skool? Yes I am. Try and stop me.

Never sneeze

I had a full day planned and the first thing I did was sneeze! My acrylic cane is broken and I have not replaced it since there has been no reason to but today it would come in handy. My back is out and I can't move. So much for plans. I guess Gini will have to eat whatever I can find as buying dog food was one of my plans. MOM! Come back!

I feel like a potted plant. It's ALIVE, it requires food, water and TLC but it can't MOVE.

Do you see me moving?

Social Security and doing a good job!

This morning I jumped outta bed (well...actually I crawled out of bed) to go to the Social Security office to take care of the mess they created...and I was determined to whack blondie Mrs. Social Security with my purse if need be. Maybe that is why they cower behind bullet proof glass plates with four armed guards (yes I counted) all carrying locked and loaded weaponry.... perhaps if they would make the place more home-y and less "agency-like" there would not be a need for armed guards. And perhaps if they treated us less like numbers and more like people it would be a more pleasant place to go to. All I see are broken souls trying to put their lives back together, or figuring out the maze of Social Security and Medicare.

I digress...as usual.

Mrs. Blondie Social Security was nowhere to be found. *Harumph*

T'was my lucky day as I fixated on the one woman I wanted...the one who was laughing and smiling with all her "customers" and I really wanted her to handle my situation. As luck would have it I DID get her! I had the homing pigeon vibes in my brain silently working in tune with hers so that all would align up just right and it DID.

Ms. Brunette Social Security was a pleasure to work with.

Turns out that Mrs. Blondie Social Security had entered my information into the database INCORRECTLY. I was indeed to be on Medicare B, D and furthermore...since I was below the poverty line (even with so-called spousal) I was directed to go to the Welfare office (oh boy) and they (another agency..sigh) would pay for my Medicare premiums. WHOOT! Futhermore...she knew exactly who I had dealt with and whispered, "Would you like a comment card" and I said "yes, two of them, one for her and one for you...." She smiled and said she would have to take care of my incorrect date and make it retroactive to Feb 1, 2009. I told her that Val (that's Mrs. Blondie Social Security ) had cost me close to $1200 in COBRA and I didn't have to pay for it had she not treated me like a number instead of a person.

She gave me this "I know what you mean" look and apologized...she was a delight! I wanted to dance my way out of the office. She even gave me her EMAIL address!!! Told me if I had any more social security problems to email her and she would handle it but to give her a few days to clean up the MESS. The MESS. Yes, the MESS.

I took my online apitude test for Voc. Rehab and was delighted to see my "goal" show up in the apitude results. Whew. That helps. Had it sent me in a different direction I would have been in flumoxed. I was floored by the spatial reasoning thing (heck I didn't even FINISH it) showing all the flattened, intricate unfolded boxes...if folded, they would look like this ------> pretend there is a very strange box here.... I am quite sure she will tell me to stay away from trying to fold strange boxes. And calculus. D'oh!

I took a friend to the Inpatient Rehab Hospital for a week today. Seems everyone I know is heading for the hospital or various testing except for me. It's nice not to be on the receiving end for a change. LOL. No offense my dear friends...it's nice to be able to help others out for a change.

I have two more agencies to deal with. *rolling eyes*. At least they are next to each other. One of them is in the building I used to work in. Thankfully it is not the agency I used to work FOR. That is the blessing.

I have to sign up with Welfare so they can pay my Medicare premiums (who knew???) and food stamps. But first I have to find some documents....seeee, documents, documents, documents. No agency wants the SAME documents. I know I will get there and they will say "did you bring XYZ" and I will say no....no one told me to.

Plus no one believes me when I show them my divorce decree. LOL. It doesn't resemble one!!!! For one thing it is not signed...that's the real killer. I never got a SIGNED copy. When talking to AGENCIES they don't understand. Plus it is written in language that looks like a 5th grader wrote. One liners all the way down the page. And no signature. I get the once over...then I say my name is supposed to be....and you see where I end up. Some of these agencies deal with Skool so it's not all social-security related. It's....tiring.

I fired off another email to the head of the law firm and she assured me that "It's" attorney was working on my name problem and I said well, it's not like it is his priority to restore my name you know....so light a damn fire, would you? I need my name changed for SCHOOL. God, people! I WANT MY NAME BACK! NOW!

The moral of the story: do your job and do it well...like Mrs. Brunette Social Security!

Agencies

First, let me say I understand the CONCEPT of agencies. Each agency represents a certain interest. Let's keep it simple. I on the other hand am the consumer of multiple agencies. I also have MS, the kind that really creates a sucky form of fatigue. I battle fatigue on a daily basis. Overdo me, I faint. Simple as that.

Now on to agencies....

Tangling with the Medicare and Social Security maze is almost a full-time job. First they tell me my Part B will not take effect until July 1, thus forcing me to stay on COBRA. I complained that I had a "qualifying event" (i.e., a divorce) and whoops....they retracted as soon as they found out. Not only it was retracted, it is also retroactive.

Wait...I just sent a check for almost $600 out for COBRA and I could have used that for something else. Mrs. Blondie, had you listened and not talked to me as if I were a number you could have told me that and saved me $600. Read down for more. By the way a "legal separation" is also a qualifying event in case you did not know. Neither did I until I read up on it. To tell you the truth, I feel YOUR agency owes ME $600.00. Poor training? Or did you not care? Back to agencies...

I will be on Part B immediately...and eligible for Part D - Z. LOL. Mom is back home gathering her goodies to move in soon but she will find me a GAP policy come hell or high water. There are some unusual Medicare policies out there (like Q) that few have heard of because very few people end up in my situation it appears.

Speaking of being as lucky as me, should I play the lottery? LOL.

Oh- back to dealing with a multitude of agencies....

I have to go back to social security and tangle with that blonde witch again. :-P That one- the one that sent me to my Jeep howling in tears and banging on my steering wheel in front of Mom because I HAD IT THAT DAY. I was tired of agencies, paperwork, everyone wanted something I didn't have and..... I was DONE with agencies, attorneys, spying people, whatever. I was done. I hated....hated...agencies.

Or rather the hoops that one has to jump thru to get what one needs to get help. Sometimes I just DON'T KNOW the information. Sometimes THEY don't know the information THEY should know. That part is hilarious. I don't HAVE it. I don't know where IT is. Or how to get IT. Or why I have to do all this stuff to get what I need? Can't you just see that I need it? Call my Neuro. LOL.

One example comes to mind. I contacted the MS Society for help with my COBRA premiums. Immediately I get an email (wow, that application arrived FAST and was DENIED quickly!) but they said they would assign a Case Manager to come out and "review my situation" and see how they could help me. I said okay, fine. I mean really. Another agency...but what name did I use with them? I forgot to write it down. ARGH. She'll see something BIG when when walks in my house alright. That is, if she can get thru the front door. LOL.

Help in any form is wonderful but trying to coordinate help is maddening. Team Gingerbread earned the MS Chapter quite a bit of money when we walked for them and I fainted in their honor at the 1.5 mile marker. We had some technical errors on our website but in the end we earned over 5K for our small team of dedicated gingerbread walkers. (long cute story on why we're called Team Gingerbread)

A "Case Manager" will come and evaluate my situation and tell me what they think I need instead of I think I need. Oh-kay. Less control for me and more control for other people. That is something I don't like about having MS. You lose control of your life due to AGENCIES. Yet you need them too. By the way I want that 5k back. LOL. Maybe next year we'll walk with MORE people if I get some help. Please.... don't ask me for some document I don't have....please.

Buuuuut wheeeeee, now I don't have to pay COBRA after this! Plus I'll get insurance thru school. Whoa...double coverage! I do have to sign up for NORD to pay for my copaxone, and needymeds.org to pay for some of my other drugs. More agencies to sign up with. *growly face*

This is something that frustrates the heck out of me. I think sick people shouldn't have to deal with so many AGENCIES. That is something I am thinking about working my Masters Thesis on. I haven't quite formulated the idea but it is ridiculous for me to be going from agency to agency- I am tired, and my cell minutes are running up. I did not plan on even USING my cell minutes. I wanted a text message phone ONLY. I'm deaf for pete's sake.

I am now strong enough to tangle any agency that wants to mess with me. I'll yell back as loud as they yell at me. Speak nice to me and I'll speak nice to you. Whatever happened to GOOD MANNERS? We are not social security numbers. We are people. Don't forget that.....you, the blondie Mrs. Social Security Woman....be nice or I will ask for your Supervisor. I won't move till she/he comes. You flipped me out last time and this time I'll say a certain "name" and you will shiver in your shoes. I have that name now...HA. I did my homework. I'm bringing so many documents this time if you ask me for something I don't have I swear I'll walk out with a smile and come home and take Gini to the park for a long, long run! Well, my running doesn't resemble that of a jogger (LOL) but it's fun to chase after a four legged daschie. Heh.

I need a routine. That is my plan now. To develop a routine. It is a full-time job to be me and I don't like that. I have other things to do and pay attention to. I have a dying dog that needs my love and attention. I want to take Gini to the dog park everyday for lunch, it does her a world of good....and it clears my mind. We ran (yes...I ran too!) around the perimeter yesterday to blow off steam and I swear she was laughing as hard as I was. Yes. Run. I want to walk/run at the park. I can do it now. She is depressed and it will be good for her. Only on sunny days tho.

A young couple came to see the house two nights ago. The outcome of that, I'll keep to myself for now. It is my business after all. :-P It was very, very funny....LOL. They were also in good humor about it as well.

I finished my Federal Scholarship application yesterday (whooo hooo) and either this afternoon or tomorrow I will take my aptitude test.

Oh, mom said Texas School for the Deaf sent my high school transcript to her house. Can't they READ???? I sent them a transcript request FORM asking them to send an official transcript to the college of my choice but nooooooooo, they sent it to my mother's HOUSE. For pete's sake..... I didn't even have my parent's address on the request form!!!! I am 54 years old now. Why would they send it to my parents home....did they think my parents wanted it???? LOL. The mind of an institution at work....and why did they think my parents still lived at the same address..... OMG.

Okay, now I have a Rehab Counselor, a Case Manager from the MS Society, a Medicare Advocate, needymeds.org at work, NORD, (hey it rhymes with PORN) and I'm indigent per FAFSA. FAFSA keeps asking me if I'm really that poor, LOL. That amuses me. When my output exceeds my intake I suppose it is a fair question. That is why agencies frustrate me...because there's no grey area.

My name? I guess it is still Davis dba Turner. :-P

Life goes on.

360 Degree Turn

One of my internet friends (yes, YOU) who has helped me out over the years with friendship, advice and interesting perspectives on life gave me some good advice today. He never gives advice unless I ask for it which is one of his attributes. I suppose he knows best. LOL. He has a way of breaking down life issues into what I call an Outline Form and it all makes sense when it is broken down on paper that way.

Perhaps it is the mind of an MS'er at work. I don't know. I do know how MY mind works and HE knows how to answer my questions quickly and to the point with no circular paths. It all makes logical sense. That, I truly appreciate. Never mind what the topic was about, the principles are the same no matter the issue. Here is the problem, break down the steps to the basics and you'll get your answer. It is that easy. I forget that.

Tomorrow is WORK ON ESSAYS DAY. I will go to the dog park and work on my scholarship essays and let Gini run around. She needs a break from Quill- I sense she is depressed too. The sun will do her and I both good and I will get it all done. After all it's to be 74 and with food and water we will be fine. Whoo!

See ya'll on Wednesday. The house? Even on Wednesday.

Dave Norton Cramer

Dave Norton Cramer

http://www.dncramer.com/

I was shocked this morning when my good friend Dale informed me in an email that "Uncle Dave" as we called him had passed away. I have never met "Uncle Dave" but he was a good friend of mine. He helped me out in many ways with his common sense advice and funny stories.

I have a folder of his stories and emails to me. They are highly cherished. I am so sad I did not get back to his site recently as I have been so busy dismantling my old life and jump-starting my new one at the same time. This will be one of my regrets.

Never forget to take the time to remember those that are important to you in your life because suddenly they may be gone. I have so many people I want to hug today but they are not within my grasp.

My sympathy goes out to the Cramer family and friends. He touched many....

Speaking of MS...

I had a massage (thanks to you know who you are) and the receptionist told me her nephew had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and was now on Copaxone. I asked her how old he was and was SHOCKED by her answer.

He's only eleven months old.

Oh. My. God. That's truly hell. His parents... and the initial pain of Copaxone feels like you're injecting Drano....I can't imagine. I can't even fathom.

All I can think of is how casually she told me...and how little she knew about what she just said. My second question was, "Where does he live?" and he lived some distance from here so she had not seen the horrors of a baby being diagnosed and treated with Copaxone daily....

Eleven months old. A mere baby....

Colonoscopy & Moving...hehehehe!

Colonoscopy and moving are related. This morning I bounded out of bed to take a girlfriend downtown for her colonoscopy. It was a flashback to three years ago when the anesthesia failed during mine. My experience is documented on this blog but I'm not going to search for it. This time it worked for her and nothing serious was found except she needs more fiber. Whew. Really...whew.

Ohhhh, it snowed. Whoa! A morning surprise but none was downtown.

Moving. Since the house is going into foreclosure (they're already knocking on my door) but I told them to talk to "It" who said he had no intention of letting this house go into foreclosure - it's in writing toooooooo, thank goodness!!! Besides, the Judge declared me "judgement proof" since I'm so poor. Well Judge, I don't plan to stay poor for the rest of my life. Hence, my school plans.

Nobody likes this house since the fence is blown down. Well I TRIED TO GET IT FIXED. I could not make "It" sign the insurance check. I did not even ask him to pay half of the roof deductible. The neighbor was going to fix it. I cannot make a stubborn mule move but I can certainly buy a working horse.

My new motto is "If forcibly thrown in the abyss, climb out" or quit complaining about the darkness.

I found a place, a really nice place! It is two bedrooms with two master bathrooms. Mom is coming to live with me while I attend college. Nothing beats scholarships! Scholarships will even PAY YOUR WAY THRU COLLEGE, especially if you have a great GPA and multiple problems. LOL And I do.... plus with the accommodations it will all work out.

I am still giddy about school. So many choices, so much to learn...! I cannot wait.

The nice thing about all this is I no longer have any responsibilities other than for myself and my pets. The apartment people were very accommodating about the pets, understanding my need for them. They waived the pet deposit.

I do not know when we're moving. (Mom and I) Certainly before I'm kicked out, hahaha. I hope to have some sort of answers tomorrow as I need to work on my scholarship essays. Plus I need to get some HELP (hellllllloooooooooo family members, I need wives, wives, wives or husbands, husbands, husbands -now you can't ACT like a husband and just pick up the remote- to pack, pack, and unpack me and Meme, we are tirrrrredddd....) and I have a funny confession to make.

I stopped by the apartment complex and begged for another discount. (is that nervy or what...) I told them the truth- that we went to two other places and they offered a student discount, a refund on my parking pass (hey it's $195 a semester and the deposit waived because 1.) I was a student and 2.) Mom was a senior citizen. 3.) The other apartments only had one two bedrooms available but this complex was far from full. (true)

My BF with MS told me she haggles with Best Buy and hey if she can haggle with Best Buy I must learn from the expert. My dollar must turn into three since I am ten dollars short for every twenty I owe. Yet not a dollar is own to a credit card company. Only to relatives and friends. They paid my "spousal" so I could SURVIVE.

This apartment is further away. Longer to drive, I know. No student buses available. Harrumph. There's a reason for our madness. I won't say why here. I'm to hear back this afternoon if they will offer me a sweeter deal. I told them we were going to be tenants for a good while. So....take us or leave us. Besides I like their exercise equipment. And tub. OH my...their tub is to die for. It's a soaking tub..... :D

I can shave my legs without getting my hair wet! You know it's a good day when something like that excites me.

I have to take several public speaking classes. It's a good thing too because I have PLENTY to say. LOL.

Toastmasters, here I come!

Today was WONDERFUL

I could barely drag my butt outta bed this morning (waaaaaahhhhhh, did we lose an hour of sleeeeeepppp) but I had an appointment with Disability Services at the college I wanted to attend and I had to haul it and goooooooooo. Like now or never. Gini did not like the idea a bit either but I got her going and Quill on his medication. He is handling it rather well but I emailed the vet and asked if we could up the dose just a little. He is moaning.

Anyway- We (mom and I) get to the campus in the nick of time after getting lost on campus but we made way thru the maze. Chills were in my spine and no it wasn't my MS acting up. It was either dread or I had to pee. I was hoping it wasn't pee...or dread for that matter.

Finally met the Director of Disability Services and talked about accommodations - now I can have remote live captioning (Whoo hooo, no more interpreters) and additional time for testing, plus calculators used while in math. All I need is a note from my Neuro. Topamax mucks up my ability to do math but not on the calculator. I can understand the process but I cannot add, subtract or multiply accurately. Taking 300 mgs a day of Topamax messes that function up. MS automatically gets you a private room with additional test time...whooooo hoooo.

It appears there are all kinds of classes. Online, weekend only, short session and long session during summer. I practically skipped out of there and ran down the hall (well, sorta) to pay for my admission fee. I was assured I would be admitted in time for summer.

I am ridiculously giddy.

Next: Time to move. Tune in later!

Quill n' Dory

What a marvelous Vet I have. He knows I cannot pay a large Vet bill so tests are being prioritized. He found seven lumps on Quill. He performed a needle biopsy on one of the lumps and he will email me with the results soon.

He put him on a morphine-like medication twice a day for now. It is highly suspected he has Cushing's Disease but it is expensive and difficult to diagnose as well as expensive to treat. Generally speaking it is fatal.

For now we will treat him with palliative care and await the results of his biopsy on one of his lumps. He is a dying dog, but not at the point to be put down. I can see that the medication is working....he is sleeping without any apparent pain or discomfort. Thank God for drugs.

The Vet put him on veggies to help him with his appetite control (caused by possible Cushing's) and Quill is apparently quite fond of raw carrots.

Maybe that will wean him off eating cell phones.

Hopefully he will not have a disaster tonight. I don't know how many times we can steam clean Quill poop in the house.... I guess as long as necessary as my man Quill is a loyal dog. He deserves the best of care. He is the man, Quill.

There are too many foreclosed homes for rent and apartments are going for almost nothing these days. It will be a tight squeeze (an almost impossible squeeze) but come Spring, 2010 I hope to have a full scholarship. I certainly fall into a lot of categories! I already have one scholarship already- whoot!

If you are on SSDI, don't think you can't go back to school. You can, but talk to Vocational Rehabilitation Use your ticket to work program. I am quite sure I cannot handle a full-time load but we'll see how I do once all the stress is off me. I've finished almost all of my core classes except English 101 and 102 (LOL) but I do have 15 hours of English. Yeah...I know. I haven't done any core Math classes. Yeah...I hate math. It doesn't compute with the brain I have.... Other than that I only have to do 36 hours to finish my major. I can even get a double major easily. HUH.

Since I consider myself *young* at heart I will go on to get my Masters and hopefully get off SSDI. That way I can contribute more credits to my Social Security credits and RETIRE with more money (it goes down when I retire, geeeeez) and build a retirement fund. Yup.

Relationships: It is far healthier to have space between them to put your head on straight and figure out how you got from there to here and why. Then figure out WTF you can do not to miss the signals again because boy this "failure" was like that meteor that whizzed by planet earth last Monday and missed us mortals by only mere inches (figuratively speaking) and no one saw it coming.

I said we all almost died Monday and nobody cried. Dory Previn fans will know exactly where that line came from but I digress. *snickers*

Speaking of Dory Previn, she sent me an autographed book and letter when I wrote her back in 1973. I'm sure it's in "this mess of paper" I have to go through. It's quite collectible but it is meaningful to me and moving with me.

Dat's all.

One crazy cousin responded..

with my new email (LOL) instead of my old email and said:

AND HEY! THIS CRAZY COUSIN IN FLORIDA READS YOUR BLOG!

and

I wish I still had free tickets - the clock has expired on those :( Maybe I can work something out . . .

Don't forget the tape girl.

Speaking of Quill....

It is obvious to me Quill is dying. I went out a few minutes ago and he was lying on the patio. His days are numbered. That, I know. That day may be as soon as Saturday, I do not know. I am adamant he not suffer. It will be the Vet's decision, not mine.

What I find so mysterious is Gini. She is staying close to him. No longer does she hop aboard his back to sleep across. Instead, she lays close by as if to keep an eye on her charge.

I know Gini will miss Quill as much if not more than I.

I leave you with this quote:

The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of his master.

Ben Hur Lampman

A cool blog...

Completely unrelated to anything MS-Y.

How about that.

http://www.kirstensanford.com/kirsten-sanford/

This was one of those times I really wanted captions on my ipod!

Quill, the Old Man...again

Last night was horrid. I ran out of his $70 prescription dog food (that is $70 a bag) and I had already tried to integrate normal dog food into his prescription to lessen expenses and that experiment was a dismal failure.

In the middle of the night my nose alerted me to the fact something was wrong....very wrong.

Quill had made a mess all over the house. Now this is like steam cleaning human poop in the middle of the night when you are on your MS sleep meds and for a change it is working. The sleep meds, that is.

It is obvious Quill is very sick and not doing well. He is in pain. I cannot stand to see him in pain and I know him better than anyone. He hurts. Hell, it seems this whole home is in a world of pain. Gini still has swallowing difficulties with water but luckily she has not had any seizures lately.

Cleaning up shit aint' fun even if it's shit in life or dog shit.

Old Man Quill

He's not normal anymore. I know something is wrong with him. Mom noticed his heavy breathing. Yeah that too. Do dogs have a-fib, I wondered?

No longer does he follow me from room to room. He is too tired. He has a big growth under his arm and I can't afford the test to determine if he has Cushing's. Even if he had Cushing's, I couldn't afford the treatment. But in a sense I'd like to know because it would tell me what is wrong and if he should be put down and when.

Unlike women, Golden Retrievers do not show their pain. Quill is showing his.

I think I will take him in this week and get a general opinion from Gini's Vet. I have no idea how I will pay for it but I seem to find a way.

I said I wouldn't post but this is worrying me and he's my best friend. Next to my best friend with MS, the one I won't name. :D

And my thyroid is haywire..again. I'm jittery so that means I'm hyper...manic. OMG. Gonna call the lab tomorrow for a test request. That will explain the jittery hands, the inability to sleep and the arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

A note to Tracey's Life

I can't post comments on your blog. :(

Just saying. I'm there tho.

'jamming on Pearl Street

Here, you can see the University of Colorado at Boulder from DA TOP!
Way cool, I say....I could finish my degree here. HUM.

Only in Boulder.
I love this sign.
Diversity is good.
Do they have one for the other side or side(s) too, I wonder?

Here I am on Pearl Street!
Was looking for the photographer
but immediately found him afterwards.
HA,yes you!

Mommy is coming today to help me PAINT SOME MORE! WHOOT!

Day trippin'

Today a group of us went to Idaho Springs, Nederland, Central City, the flatirons, ending up in Boulder on Pearl Street where we all strolled up and down, leisurely enjoying walking the brick walk ways and variety of shops. There were lots of new artists I found- Plus a new camera I discovered I liked playing with. HUM. It's a Nikon D90. Whoooo, fun! I had a blast with it and now I want one just like theirs. LOL. It is not as much fun to direct a shot as it is to take it yourself.

Amazed I was at the variety of shops. It takes a lot to impress me (retail-wise) and the collection in Boulder was fabulous. Pearl Street is indeed a gem. I bought a funky hat for one of my buddies and had the best soup I ever...along with a turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich. Just where do you find such wonderful fare? All that was missing was a dollop of cornbread dressing.

I love going out and exploring all these places. More trips are planned.

I can't wait. Pictures are coming! :-D The best part is I didn't get too tired. I am much better than I was. WOW....

Copper Mountain

This picture was taken after my son and I skied
from Union Station and surprised everyone at Central Station
where they were parked!
Whoo hooo, I made it!

Happy me!

Isn't Copper Mountain breathtaking?

I should move here. OMG.

My ski adventure

Several of us took a trip to Copper Mountain thanks to my brother. My son and I skied free! Turns out if you have MS and a note from your Dr. saying so (and I had BOTH on my person!) we could ski free. He as my MS companion and me as well I went as myself. :p

I can safely say skiing and flirting is like riding a bike. They come back naturally. I even got an ounce or two extra of Grand Marnier at the end of my last run from the waiter for my efforts. Here in this picture I am making fun of my hand- I honestly do not remember that shot. I was such a goofball. I had more fun these two days than I can remember in the longest time. I made three and one half runs! LONG RUNS....at Copper Mountain. It was a hoot! Fell off the lift twice, laughed hysterically. The photographer at the top didn't even chuckle. Guess he had hemorroids. Got off "correctly" twice.

WHOO HOO! Now I want snowblades.

These are snowblades. They are much shorter than skis. And much more fun to play in.... my son and I played on the trails like little kids. I felt free at the top of Copper Mountain. No worries. I left them all at home.

My brother had to buy all my clothes tho. He really loaded me up with gear. I can't get cold. OMG no! He bought me a North Face hat, coat (see it in the photo?) long johns and t-shirt t(some fancy name brand) and I wore my EX's old bib. (it did make me look like I had an ass the size of a big brown bear but I didn't care) I was ready to SKI.

I'm ready to go again. And again. Again and again. Especially since it's FREE.

OMG....free for me and another.

As soon as I get the photos resized, and figure out how to download a copy of movie picture browser (gotta convert HDD files to mpeg) so I can SHOW you some skiing and snowmobiling riding, hahaha.....yup I got to do that too and Andrew said he heard me yell off in the distance, "GO FASTER!!!!"......hahaha.

Next. The skyglider at Royal Gorge. However I have to wait for spring. Also I've promised to jump out of an airplane with my son as well as bungee jump.

That's MY midlife crisis. It's fun, of no harm to anyone and yesterday I laughed all the way down Copper Mountain going 2o mph down rattling snowblades.Yup, that's the way to have MY CRISIS.

Next winter I want to learn how to ride a snowmobile. I had so much on the back of that one that carried me down when my last run proved to be a bit too much. Spasms were starting up. The ski patrol kindly let me "pose". LOL!


Yup I'm really snowmobiling. Yeah. really. REALLY. YES. I swear. REALLLLLLLY. HA. You believe me, righhhht?

This is me skiing. Yes. Me. Woooooo! And aren't the mountains breath-taking???? OMG....this was paradise.

Skiing

My brother is here and to get my mind off things he is taking me skiing. LOL. I haven't been in many, many years. I used to go down double black diamonds but now I'm gonna see what a bunny slope does to me.

See above? That's my idea of a bunny slope. LOL.

Pray for me.

I texted Kallie...

"Do I really have three containers of salt and NO sugar?" "There's a little bit of sugar in the very back I think" she texted back. I certainly saw what she meant when she said I never need to buy brown sugar again....NEVER. Or honey for that matter.

I still don't have any sugar. Harumph. Or money to buy any. Another harumph. I do have some money to buy sugar (don't get me wrong) but I'm learning the difference between gotta have it and need to have it. Amazing what one can live without.

I find I can't live without a Latte. HA!

Nanno's Orbit

http://www.rustonleader.com/obits.php

DeCinter Farley (11-20-2008)

“Mrs. Farley, you are as delicate as a hummingbird egg….”

During her lifetime, DeCinter Farley witnessed an array of changes which boggle the mind. Electric lights in homes and businesses, telephones, automobiles, airplanes, space flight, computers and the internet. (among many others) Born on August 7, 1913, she rode the winds of change with the grace of a bird, trying the new technology, driving long distances in her car, taking airplanes from here to there...in between she raised three children, cooking and cleaning while holding a full time job during World War II.

She became Ruston’s first female butcher in a grocery store, knowing the best cut of meat by sight. Later in life she completed beauty school and opened a beauty shop in Vienna. She took care of the mail also, becoming the Post Master. When the Post Office was closed, she picked up a paint brush and began to paint her memories of growing up in north Louisiana. These paintings are visual history lessons and portray life as it was. Simple and hard, with families striving for a single goal: survival. She was a guest of Louisiana Folk Life for her dexterity with a crochet hook as well as her folk art paintings at the World’s Fair in New Orleans 1984.

President Ronald Reagan was the proud owner of the painting “Women Get the Vote” and wrote her a letter of gratitude. She moved to San Antonio in 1994 and lived the rest of her life with her daughter and family. She is survived by three children; Yvonne Farley Turner, Jewette Farley and wife, Sue and Margaret Bass. A small group of special grandchildren ; Sherry Turner, Robert Turner and wife, Jan, Tony Farley, Tracy Brockman and husband, Jeff, Martha Shindoll and Chris Bass and great grandchildren ;Nicole Johnson, Andrew Johnson, Alex Reid Farley, Annie Farley and Zoe Brockman ; complete the family who will miss her and are glad she became a part of their lives. Visitation will be at Kilpatrick’s Funeral Home in Ruston, La from 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. on Friday, November 21, 2008. Graveside services at the Vienna Cemetery at 11 a.m. on Saturday, November 22, 2008. Online condolences may be sent to the family at www.kilpataraickfuneralhomes.com.

Nanno

My grandmother, Nanno had her graveside service this morning. She's enjoying my cousin Stacie's daughter Caroline Yvonne.

I will miss you, Nanno.

My grandmother died

While I was in court today. She died at noon my time.

Court was horrid. If I say anything I will absolutely explode. I gave him so much help (little does he know) and he went after me like a rabid pitbull.

He's on his own now with the DA. I may retract my statement and give them the FULL MONTY. Actually, I won't. It puts me on his level. UGH.

Right now I have to mourn my grandmother.

The injection that didn't!

The most painless injection !ever! just occurred. Decided that I HAD to use my right back arm since I have depleted many of my other injection sites. Sooooo, I closed my eyes and stabbed. I hate arm injections with a passion, they burn really bad.

To my amazement nothing happen. No burning. No screams of "MOMMMMMMMY, fix me chicken soup and hugggg me!"

Then I felt it....I was drenched. I had "injected" the whole shot down my robe. It missed my arm completely!

A $125 shot prevented a possible relapse in my worn out purple robe. Sigh. No wonder I didn't feel it!

Tribute to my Father

Found this song on youtube and in one week my father will have been gone a year. I miss him more than ever. I wish I could talk to him right now about the difficulties going on in my life but I think he'd be so shocked. I envision him up there drinking his first 6-pack of Shiner Bock and possibly working on his second. My dad never drank but I swear he is doing just that!!! LOL!!!

Sorry Dad...I didn't see it coming either. I miss you and your hugs.

Here are the lyrics for the deaf:

I remember when my father passed away,
the very last thing he had to say,
with the twinkle in his eye,
just about to die,
I feel the pain is slipping away.
Son I think I've got the basted beat today.

Ref:
Death is a part of a story
Chapters end where new ones start
The things my father done for me
live on in my heart.

They locked his house and took away the key,
cut down half the roses and a tree.
They took away those tins
of sinkers, hooks and things.
But they couldn't take his favorite recipe,
or the many tricks he left inside of me.

Ref:

They took away his hat and his coat,
rocking chair, tackle box and boat.
They couldn't take the pride,
he gave me when he died.
They left me with his sense of right and wrong,
the things he left behind that make me strong.

Z-track method results are in

First of all, let me remind you....I don't do manual injections very well. As soon as I got my injection out I thought AAAAAGGHHHHHH! I'm used to the AutoInjector slamming that thing in with the force of a cannon! AAAAAGGGHHHH! Now I have to stick a needle in me! AAAAGGGHHH!

My belly was full of robin eggs. I prodded, massaged, poked around till I found one spot with no robin sized eggs. I'm using my belly too much. Butts aren't so bad but arms and thighs? YIKES. Since I have no company this weekend I won't have to keep my poker face on and can do the DRANO DANCE. That's when you are injected with Drano and you know it. You scream and yell for a gun to put yourself out of your misery.

Okay. Z-track time. I watched youtube and acquired my medical degree. Looked at the needle, yup it's bent. And dull. There is a professional grinder in the garage but it's not sterile. I want to rename my sharps container the bent needles container. Oh, I did. See?

I pulled the skin over. I jammed the sucker in. Yeow. I knew I wasn't breathing. Pulled out needle and immediately let go of the skin. WHOOT! No leakage! WHOOT! The $300 a drop liquid gold stuff all went in. Can't say it did any good but Dr. House says that's not the point.

This morning I checked. I still have a bruise but no robin eggs. That's an improvement! I've suspected for awhile I have anemia. (had it before, recognize signs) I am overdue for lab tests but haven't felt like driving to the lab. Pffft.

What do you do tho when you run out of places to inject and thighs and arms are OFF LIMITS because they hurt too much?

My belly is full of robin eggs. I'm waiting for them all to hatch and fly off.

I highly recommend the Z-track method. Just don't put all your eggs in your belly.